changes!

So much has been going on lately that I don't know how short I can make this, but I'll try my best. Let's start with me.

I've been loosely looking for a job & sending my resume to places when I see something I'm interested in. Mostly receptionist & bank teller jobs. I kinda gave up on the bank jobs though since I had the last bank bail on me. I was scheduled for a phone interview & it never happened--as many times I tried calling back. I figured that it wasn't in the plan for me. Three Thursdays ago, I sent in my resume to a bank for a teller job right next to my house. Again, wasn't expecting much at all.The following day, the HR called me to schedule my interview for Monday. I was terrified of my interview because it has been five years since my last one. It went well & I left with a good feeling. The following day, Tuesday, I was offered the job which I of course accepted. That Wednesday & Friday, I had my orientation in Waldorf. Last Monday, I started at my branch & I have been there for the past week. & I really like it. The ladies are all so nice & sweet & the customers are great. I never realized that a bank could be such a family. There's always something going on & we get some interesting people coming through like the man with a deer head in his passenger seat, haha. Definitely loving the new job & I miss Matti terribly while we're not together, but I know he's in good hands. God is truly great.

Onto Jason. He is still working at Kohl's for the time being. For the past six months, he's waited patiently for a job on base. His name is all over that company's HR office it's not even funny--he's had so many people take his application & resume to hand off to their bosses & to the HR reps. It was funny...when I got the job, Jason told me I couldn't quit because I was making more money that him, haha. Well, finally, it was Jason's time. He turned in his application & resume last week & not even a day later, he got a job offer. In the field that he wants to go into. Of course, he accepted & he starts in the beginning of June. I am so happy for him & he's even more excited to know that he won't be at Kohl's much longer. Nothing against the company, but Jason, prior military at a retail store? It's far from where he wants to be, and he's so ready to work on planes again. God is good.

Baby boyy Matti. He went into daycare the first day I started at my branch. I take him in the morning & he stays until noon & Jason picks him up. He loves it. He hates when I leave, but they said he recovers quickly. He seems so much happier & I love getting pictures of him playing with other kids. He needs that & it makes me happy. He's turning two in a month & he's absolutely perfect.

The Roof family has definitely gotten quite a lot of surprises in the past week, but they're all blessings. All this just solidifies that God does have a plan for us & that it will happen when it is supposed to. Our patience was tested & it still is to this day, but it all works out in the end.

Anxiety and then peace

Lately, I just feel like there's so much I want to write about, but once I click "New Post," everything disappears. Not much has changed since my last post and I am still happy. Happy with what I have and although there are many things I wish I/we had, I'm still just happy.

Matti had an appointment yesterday. Since I found out that Jason had to work & I would have to go alone, I was in panic mode. I made it through, haha. Ever since I had Matti, I've become anxious about having to go out alone with him. I got over it when Jason was deployed. When Jason came back, I didn't have to worry about it anymore because he was always with us. Yesterday was the first day we went out alone. Somehow my mind blocked all the anxiety out & we made it through the appointment. It wasn't as bad as before...seriously considering canceling the appointment and putting it off...so it was okay. I think a lot of this is because 1. I don't want him to get hurt and 2. I don't want him to act out. Mostly the second one though. I hear stories from mothers who encounter people who are really against children being in public places. When they think that children cannot make a single noise while in public. Matti is not a "bad kid" but he is a kid & his mind is constantly ticking, but his body isn't able to keep up with it. When that happens, he will get upset. I just don't want people to look at me (their first thought probably is that I'm a teenager who had a child out of wedlock) & think that I can't control my child. He really is a good kid and it makes me sad when people think otherwise. Anyway, Matti's eczema 'passed' since it's under control. He gained a pound which is really good news because he's on the small side according to the charts. We'll be back in two months for his 24 month appointment. Hopefully, he'll have more weight gain by then.

Yesterday was a nice & slightly windy day. So, we took out our kite & attempted to fly it. We got it to fly a few times, and for me, it was relaxing. It made me realize how I'm truly okay & happy with our life. We may not have all these nice things, but we have what we need. We have each other. We live a simple life and we live it following Him. We don't need to live up to anyone's expectations, because in the end, it doesn't matter. The only one whose expectations we need to live up to and who it matters to is Him. And that's who we live for.


Lord,

Help me become a better person for my family, my friends, and to those that I don't know. When words affect me more than it should, help me remember that it doesn't matter. Help me remember to live my life according to Your will. Hold my tongue when it wants to lash out. Calm me when my temper is at its worst. Guide me so that I can be an example to those that see me. Use me, Lord, to lead others closer to you. Even if it's just one person. That's one more person. Thank you for everything that I have and all that you have blessed me with. I know that you have a plan for me and for us. Grant me patience for I know that it will come on Your time.... because a lot of times, I forget. For the times when I can't seem to wait, give me patience. For the times I worry and have anxiety, help me remember that it will be okay.

Babba

I'm doing a lot better than a few days ago. I've come to the realization (and really believe it) that I don't need to live up to the expectations of other people other than myself. As long as I'm happy with what I am doing...and to be honest, I am happy. My husband is home and we're not limited in the days that we see each other. We don't have to wonder, "How long until we have to be apart again?" It's no longer in the back of our minds. Now it's, "What can we do today to show our son this amazing world that we live in?" That makes me happy. I'm happy I have good friends. Life brings us all in different paths, but whenever we do see each other, everything is fine. I'm thankful for my friends and even more to those that chose to stick with me after all these years ;) I'm happy because Matti is growing up to be such a smart little man. As each day passes, I think to myself, "This is my favorite age." I've loved the past 22 months (plus the 9 months he was in my belly) he's been in our lives & I can't wait to see what's ahead. He's grown up so much. I've been told that he talks a lot for his age & I really don't know if that's true, but hearing that makes me happy. Everyday is something new to him and everyday I learn a little more about life because of him. He completes us & he has a total hold of my heart. I'm thankful to have this time with him to watch him grow & I find myself just sitting back to see what he's going to do next. That's when I think to myself, "I am happy."

.

So once again, I am waiting for the dryer.

http://hamptonroads.com/2010/04/downed-navy-pilot-honored-norfolk-sacrifice#rfq
http://www.wavy.com/dpp/military/Memorial-service-held-for-E-2C-aviator

The memorial was today. It's still hard to believe. I didn't even know him but Jason knowing him & having worked with him is enough. I still feel so much for this family & it makes me so sad. Today was when I found out (through these articles) that his children are two & four years old. Seeing the picture of his wife holding their daughter while the flag was being presented to her BROKE. MY. HEART. A friend of ours (Jason's former first class) went to the memorial and on his way back to Maryland Jason talked to him. The articles say it...he was a hero. He stayed with the plane to get the three other crew members out of the plane safely. Jake's friend also said that the ship did a memorial ceremony on the ship too. They did the memorial right over the plane which is underwater. I got goosebumps when I heard that & my mind is just constantly filled with questions. I keep thinking of the wife, the kids, and I just can't imagine all this. I keep praying for them because that's all I know to do. =/

Jason's birthday was yesterday. We didn't do much. We had a get together last weekend to celebrate it along with his brother's birthday. They've always celebrated their birthdays together (with the exception of the last year or two?) ...I think it's cute. Anyway, the three of us went out for ice cream and went to the store because Jason wanted to eat at home. So we got steaks & ingredients for homemade pizzas. It all turned out really good! He had some cake too, but we were so full we didn't even eat it & then ended the night with a movie. A simple man & I love it.

Matti had an appointment today..finally! Everything is fine with him. As always, his weight is low. He's a string bean. Tall like daddy & skinny like me. He got some medicine for his eczema since it got really bad on his legs & I hope it'll help clear it up. The weather is so nice & the poor guy is in jeans because of it. The doctor said he is doing great developmentally & physically (minus the weight issue). I have a list of Matti's words & when I told her he knows 50+ words, she seemed impressed :) Apparently, he's pretty talkative at his age?  He was terrified of everything they were doing which was a first for Matti. This is the age when he starts knowing what fear is & boy did he show it today. He was a trooper though as soon as it was all done.

P.S. I know I need to do a March update..maybe. lol.

Ramblings of a housewife.

While I wait for the dryer...

Today is such a nice day & I can definitely tell that the weather affects my mood a lot. Jason's at work so I am catching up on housework I've neglected since he's been off for a few days. I don't like doing them when he's home because I like being with him. It's a thing I have, haha. Later on we'll meet Jason at the playground when he gets off work so Matti can play. Today is beautiful & I want to enjoy it, but my mind constantly goes back to the plane crash. I'm constantly checking for updates to see if they've found the last sailor & nothing changes. I think of the families because I'm sure they are all waiting for that phone call with the two words they want to hear: "I'm okay." When there was a fire onboard the USS George Washington, those were the only words I wanted to hear. I didn't care if that was all he said, but I just wanted to know. It's night time over there now...I hope they find him/her soon. Or that they have found him/her & that articles haven't updated yet. I sent Jason a text message letting him know, but I'm not sure if he's read it yet. We went to the museum yesterday because Matti's in love with planes. They had an old E-2B (?) and Jason spent a good while just checking it out. I can tell he misses some aspects of Navy life. =/
Anyway. Just pray.

Last night, I forgot to lock the door to our room. We lock it so Matti doesn't wander around while we're still asleep. Well, he wandered around this morning, but I was already awake so I just listened to see what he would do. I heard him go to the prayer room (we have an Altar there with Jesus, Mary, the Holy Family, etc) & then run back into the room, shut the door, and climb back in his bed. Eventually we all get up & Jason takes him to get his breakfast. I usually take a little longer to put my contacts in, brush my hair & teeth & clean up a little. I go to Matti's bed to fix his blanket & what do I see? Mother Mary laying next to Elmo. I'm assuming he grabbed her out of the prayer room & took her into bed to hug her like he does with Elmo. He is so fascinated & in love with Jesus, the crucifix, and Mary. He wants to kiss them whenever we pass one. & I love it. He may or may not understand, but I know that he loves them. Which makes me happy. The other day at Mass, we were praying the "Our Father" & in the middle of it, Matti does his version of the Sign of the Cross (straight line from his head to his chest) and yells out, "AMEN!" When he does things like this, I can't help but smile & feel blessed.

My heart is heavy.

http://www.wavy.com/dpp/military/E-2C-Hawkeye-from-USS-Dwight-D-Eisenhower-crashes-in-North-Arabian-Sea

This was Jason's last squadron. We consider them as our family. One is still missing & three have been rescued and are okay. I hope they find the last one, and I'm keeping my hopes up.

Four things.

1. I know a lie when I hear it. & if I don't catch it at first, I will figure it out. 99.9% of the time, I let it slide because I'm just too nice & I hate confrontations. Or it has nothing to do with me, haha.

2. I keep secrets extremely well. I've kept a friend's secret for 10 years this year. The secret may have faded, but the point is, I never told a single person what it was. I don't appreciate being doubted if I tell other people things they shouldn't know. The answer is no. I keep all secrets with me unless I am told that I can say something. BUT. Once I feel crossed, betrayed, lied to, or hurt (really, really hurt), it takes a lot for me to fight spilling my guts. Again, I've never ever done this, because I'm just too nice & I'd feel too much guilt. Who's to say that won't change? Eventually I have to stop being way too nice right? I know it's not right though. & no, this isn't about you (if you're even reading this)

3. I'm not stupid. I will figure things out if I haven't already. I can name times that I have put pieces together & made people wonder how I knew things. This is also another reason why I've never been surprised--with the exception of the times Jason would show up at my door step years & years ago. He's the only one that's ever really surprised me. Other times, I sensed something was up, I would think of what could be happening, and in the end, find out I'm right. This is also a reason why I love shows like Law & Order: SVU & The First 48. How badly I want to be a detective or work in any job where I can just solve things. That's another post though.

4. I can now confidently say that I do want to move somewhere different. Sure it's nice being near family, but as the days & weeks have gone on, I can see more & more why I just want to be somewhere different. & be with different people. & I will admit that I do miss Virginia because I miss the friends that we have there. We may not have much, but they are amazing. We have some amazing friends here in Maryland too but we are all trying to get out of this place & onto something better. I know that when we move, I'll miss them too. It's nice to know that there are people I could go to & feel comfortable & know that there are no secrets. *I was going to add something else, but it was kind of harsh..lol*

Guh. I feel so much better now :)


PS: This isn't about you ;)