Our Rainbow is Here!

I started to write this post in March and never published it. This is an excerpt of that post (which was supposed to be about cloth diapers).

Before I start, I do want to bring you up to speed since it has been a few months. Two posts ago, I wrote about the loss of our third child, Micah Elisha. The post after that was early September with my veiling post. I had weekly iron infusions until early November and my numbers rose due to them. I still take supplements to help keep my levels where they are supposed to be, but my numbers are good. Well, on September 20th, I saw my midwife for a follow up after the miscarriage. We did the yearly routine and she asked me if there was a chance I was pregnant. I told her maybe and was still waiting on beloved Aunt Flo to arrive. She came back from the hallway, peeked her head in, and with a huge smile on her face, she said, "It's positive!" I was shocked because I didn't think it would happen again so soon. Jason wasn't with me, but I couldn't help but tell him right away. He didn't believe me at first when I told him. We kept it quiet until close to the thirteenth week. I was very nervous but I knew that God had this baby in His hands. A few days before Christmas, we found out that our little rainbow baby is a BABY GIRL! We are so excited and a little nervous because it's a whole new world. We, along with the boys, cannot wait to meet her. I am 30 weeks now and she is due May 12th. It's crazy to think in a few short weeks, we will be a family of five and my little Josiah won't be my baby anymore.

It is now May 20th (also our 8 year wedding anniversary!) and our baby girl is sleeping on my chest right now. She is two weeks old and she is just wonderful! I wanted to take the time to write up her birth story because it was just amazing. For those that don't know, my previous labor & deliveries were under doctor care (who were fine) and were all nautral, unmedicated births. I loved both births and with each pregnancy, labor, and delivery, I was empowered and in awe of the human body.

I'm one of those women who love to read and hear about birth stories. I try to encourage friends and family members to try for the natural birth and to trust their bodies when it comes to labor and delivery. After Josiah was born, I read more birth stories and with each story there was something new. There were many things I wanted to do should we have another baby. So, when we found out I was pregnant again, I was so excited to have the chance to have the birth I wanted. My first step was to see a midwife rather than a doctor. I was so happy when I found out that my current doctor office now had a midwife. I planned in seeing her with Micah, but never got the chance to. Once I met her, I knew that I would stick with her :) so onto the birth....

As always, I will include details and if that's not your cup of tea, here's your warning. Birth is a beautiful thing and I want to share this experience for other moms.

May 6, 2014. 6 days from my due date.
I woke up at 6:30 am confused. It felt like my water had broken so I laid in bed waiting to see if it would keep leaking. I also felt slightly crampy which made me wake up even more. "No, not today, Chiara. Wait until tomorrow." Why? There was no midwife from the 5th-6th. I really wanted birth with a midwife. I woke Jason up and asked him to help me up because I felt weird. I went to the bathroom to see what was going on only to find a lot of my plug. I was slowly losing it but it was finally pinkish. I waited a little bit to see if I was leaking. Nope. I started timing the cramps and they were about six minutes apart. I wasn't too concerned because I can tell when the contractions are working and when they are just mild. These were just cramps. I told Jake to stay home because if I were to go in actual labor, I didn't want to have to wait for him to get home, drop Josiah off, and head to the hospital. With a history of pretty quick labors, I didn't want to risk having her at home (maybe one day). Midday, they spaced out and Jason went on a quick trash run. I spent a lot of the day timing and cuddling my baby boy, Josiah. We watched Shrek together and I kept thinking this might be the last day he's my youngest. Around 12pm, they got closer together again so I called the doctors office (assuming the midwives were out) to verify when we should head to the hospital. An hour later, to my surprise, I had a missed called from my midwife, Brooke, while I was taking a shower. I called her back and we agreed that 5 minutes apart in an hour is when I should go in. And better news, she was back! I felt much better and I told Chiara that today could be the day if she wanted. At 3pm, we went to the bus stop to pick up Matti and the app on my phone was yelling at me. "Contractions are 5 minutes apart for more than an hour! Go to the hospital!" We decided to give the boys a snack, finish packing up the hospital bag, load the car, and drop the boys off with his mom. At this point, the cramps were more intense but still not painful. It didn't make me feel the need to panic. By the time we dropped the boys off, it was 4:30, and the contractions were 4.5-5 minutes apart. Still bearable but  noticeable. The boys played in the sand box with their cousins and I was delaying leaving them. I hate leaving my boys, but just knowing that the next time I see them, they will both be big brothers made me want it take in that moment just s little longer. I gave Brooke a call to let her know how far apart my contractions were and we were on our way. She agreed especially with me being GBS+. My phone was still yelling at me but I all of a sudden got hungry. We made a Chick Fil A stop and continued to the hospital 20 minutes away. I text my parents and brother because they would be taking the boys if we ended up staying. We told them we'd keep them updated since I still didn't believe this was it. We got to the hospital and made our way to labor and delivery.

5:30 pm
They were expecting me and we were brought to our room. I hadn't been checked at this point so they checked me to see where we were. 2 cm, 50% effaced, station -2. Disappointment, but in my mind I kind of knew it was early on. Brooke said that if this were true labor, I should be progressing so we would check again in an hour or so to see if anything had happened. I did not want to go home. So, I walked and swayed. The pain was fine, I just wanted something to happen. Jason was reading one of our Scott Hahn books while I was walking around.

7:00 pm
I was checked. 3 cm, 70% effaced. Yes! Progress! Small progress, but it's progress. We then had to decide what we were going to do. Normally, you're not admitted until 4 cm (we had this issue with Matti, too). Brooke asked if I wanted to get my membranes swept. I hesitated for a little bit because I wanted little to no intervention. What I loved was that there was no pressure to do it and we could still say no. We eventually said yes since I was in early labor and I knew my body needed that jump start. I'm sure I could've done without, but I was getting impatient with how slow it seemed to be going. Not always a good reason, but we didn't see any harm in doing it. The pain was still fine but the contractions were getting more intense which is what I wanted. Brooke asked if I thought I would have her within four hours and knowing my previous labors, I told her yes. So, we were officially admitted and my first dose of antibiotics was given. One of my wishes this labor was to be able to move around without wires & tubes and to not stay in bed. They monitored Chiara's heart rate as the antibiotics were going in for 20 minutes. Brooke took out the birthing ball for me (another wish). After that was finished, I was unhooked and the contractions were more intense. I started needing to breathe through them. The nurse and Brooke took notice that my breathing was the only indication that I was having a contraction. I got on the birthing ball and immediately felt much better. I swayed and rolled for an hour until they came to check me again. We sent a few Snapchats to friends of me having a grand old time on the birthing ball. Soon enough, the contractions were a lot stronger. The pain was what I call good pain and I breathed through them. I was fine again after the contractions passed. The contractions were sharp shooting pains and I knew that we were making progress. I didn't have an IV so the time between contractions, I was guzzling down water. Which meant bathroom trips and laboring in the bathroom. I can see why some women find that the best place! The nurse and Brooke eventually came back to check her and had me go on the bed. They noticed Chiara's heart rate drop during a contraction so I got hooked up again. There were no scare tactics, Brooke assured us that it could be from the change of position (ball to bed). Laboring on the bed was uncomfortable. Why did I do that twice? My breathing was a lot deeper and the contractions were getting longer. Yes, progress! They monitored her and it ended up as a fluke and I was unhooked again.

9:15-9:30 pm.
5 cm 90% effaced station -1 bulging bag. Yay, active labor! After getting checked, I got up with all intentions to walk the halls. Instead, I was finding myself in the bathroom to pee and having a contraction on the toilet. I could tell they were intensifying and there was more pressure. As soon as I washed my hands to go out to the room, I would have another contraction. They were about two minutes apart. I handed my phone to Jason and have him hit the buttons for the app. I focused on swaying and keeping myself moving. I realized we hadn't text the people we promised texts to. My phone says at 9:34pm, I sent out mass texts. I sent out 3 mass texts between contractions which were coming quick.

Around 9:45 pm
The nurse came in to monitor Chiara's heart rate. I told her that with my contractions, I felt pressure in my bottom. Contractions were about 30 seconds to a minute apart. She asked if the pressure was constant and I told her not yet. She said when it was, to call them in. As soon as she left, I had a really strong contraction. "Babe, that one was more than a minute. You're close." He could tell by my breathing and I also make this deep noise which he knows from previous labors. Another strong contraction. Jason said, " Two more like that and I am gonna call them." Another strong one and it was bearing down. In my head, "maybe two more.." The next one hit and the pressure stayed. "Okay, call them now. We are really close." He called the nurse and Brooke and Jason told them how they were coming quick and that 'this is how she gets when it's time.' The nurse told Brooke that what I was doing was completely different from what she just walked out from. They asked me to get on the bed to check me. I was standing next to the bed. I waited for the contraction to end but the endless pressure was still there. Jason told them I might need help. The bed was a little high for me so somehow they got me on the bed. I crawled onto the bed and found myself feeling stuck on all fours. The bed was upright. I had my hands on the back part and my legs kneeling on the bottom. I told them I didn't think I could move.

9:54 pm
10 cm, 100% effaced! it's go time! I couldn't bring myself to move so Brooke said she could check me like how I was. She said I was fully ready and I don't remember if she asked me how I wanted to deliver. One of my other wishes was to deliver how I felt comfortable as long as it wasn't on my back. She brought out the mirror and the squat bar which I so badly wanted to use, but seeing as I was "stuck" I birthed on all fours. I was really curious about birthing on fours so I was fine and Brooke said that it was a good position to birth in.

I don't know when I started to "push." I remember there was a calm waiting for the next contraction. I knew in my mind I wanted to let my body to do what it needed. "Have the birth you want Fran." I told myself. I heard Brooke telling me to just do whatever my body wanted to do. I felt the contraction coming and I tried to relax as much as I could. The contraction hit and my body bore down and I moaned with it. I realized then that must be the roar that I've read so many women talk about. It was uncontrollable...it just happened. I realized that I pooped. After the contraction, I asked Jason if I did or not. "I don't know" he said with a laugh. "I know I did. Did I? I'm pretty sure I did. I can't believe I pooped." I was laughing at myself and Jason was laughing because of how concerned I was. Brooke asked if there was a problem. "Humility." Was Jason's answer. She offered to cover me up but that was the least of my worries at that point. Another contraction was coming, and my body bore down and I let out a groan again. There was a lot of pressure and I could hear Brooke reassuring me we were doing fine and then relief with a gush. My water just broke. Somehow, I was leaning into the bed so I was straight up and Brooke kept trying to tell me I needed to move back. "You're not gonna be able to get her out like that." I was in the middle of a contraction and I remember groaning out, "oooooooooookkkkkaayyyyy.....I'll tryyyyyyyy." Jason wasn't sure if I was able to do what Brooke wanted because of my bars but she assured us that I was just doing it. I think she helped me out by pulling me back some. I remember thinking how calm she sounded yet so commanding, but in a nice way. It's funny to remember the things I thought about in all the craziness. My body bore down again and I knew that her head was going to be delivered next so I pushed a little. "Babe, she's here! Her head is out!" Another contraction and Brooke asked me to ease up on the pushing which I didn't think I was doing much of. So, I started breathing out and her body followed. Relief.

10:03 pm
Chiara Alexis was born. 6 lbs 12 oz & 19 in. I turned around (sadly neither Jason or I caught her) and they put her on me. She had a short cord so she could only go as far as my belly, but there she was and she was perfect. She cried and she was beautiful. Our rainbow baby had arrived. One of our wishes was to delay the cord clamping. So, I held her as we waited for the cord to stop pulsing and she got all the blood that was meant for her. After a few minutes, the cord was done and Jason cut it. I moved Chiara up so she could nurse for the first time. Another wish come true. She fed for 45 minutes. I delivered the placenta and I told Jason to look. It was blue since Chiara took all the blood from it so that was neat and Brooke showed us what once held our baby girl. I had a small tear that didn't require stitches. Thank goodness because I hated that part! After she nursed, I let her get checked out and she was perfect. After two hours, we walked over to the postpartum room where we stayed for a day and a half.

I'm so happy with this birth. Like I said, all my births were empowering and I was in awe all 3 times. This time was just amazing because I felt so comfortable, and we were able to do what we wanted. I truly let my body take control and it was that much easier. It is the loudest I'd been at delivery, but also the easiest. Matti's I was just shocked, Josiah's I was calm and had my eyes closed, and Chiara's was just liberating and awesome. The human body is an amazing thing. Women are amazing. Birth is just beautiful.

Veiling

Please bare with me, I'm not the best writer and sometimes I can't express into words what I'm feeling. Here's me trying.

I've been wanting to write this for a long time but I am just now getting to it. I looked back on this blog to see when I mentioned veiling last and that was easy to do since I've neglected this poor thing.  So, a year ago tomorrow (August 30, when I started writing this), I mentioned that I was still praying about veiling, but felt that it would happen soon. I knew that my little heart needed more work.

In the beginning of October 2012, our community (Families in Christ Jesus) had our annual National Gathering in Virginia. Of course we had to go. It was then that I wore my veil for the first time.  I bought my veil a week or two before without knowing when I would wear it for thefirst time. Jason was more ready than I was! At the gathering, I was so nervous when we were walking into the church. I put it on, walked in, and tried not to look at anyone. The church was full of people that I knew from all over the United States. I should've been comfortable. We found seats and once Mass started, I looked around. To my surprise, I wasn't alone in veiling! I was so excited :) At our home church, there are a few people that do veil, but I don't see them on a regular basis. When I see other women veiling, I feel some sort of connection to them, and I just get so happy. After that, any anxiousness that I had were gone. The weekend was amazing and being able to veil in a place with hundreds of people who shared the same love for God made the weekend even more amazing. & that is the start of my veiling.

Making the Decision

My journey to veil wasn't a quick one. In my high school years, I noticed that there was a family in our church where the mother and daughters wore veils. I never thought much about it and never looked deeper as to why they did it. Many, many years later, in the spring of 2012, curiousity struck me. For some reason, veiling came into my mind and I decided to find out why some women wore veils.

The  first thing that I came across was 1 Corinthians 11:3-16.

But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and a husband the head of his wife, and God the head of Christ. Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered brings shame upon his head. But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled brings shame upon her head, for it is one and the same thing as if she had had her head shaved. For if a woman does not have her head veiled, she may as well have her hair cut off. But if it is shameful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should wear a veil. A man, on the other hand, should not cover his head, because he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; nor was man created for woman, but woman for man; for this reason a woman should have a sign of authority on her head, because of the angels. Woman is not independent of man or man of woman in the Lord. For just as woman came from man, so man is born of woman; but all things are from God. Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head unveiled? Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears his hair long it is a disgrace to him, whereas if a woman has long hair it is her glory, because long hair has been given (her) for a covering? But if anyone is inclined to be argumentative, we do not have such a custom, nor do the churches of God.

There it was. So, I kept looking and it led me to Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Now, I know that these two readings, especially the second one, are one of the most controversial readings in the Bible. It is often misunderstood. I've been to Masses where priests have admitted that it is one of the homilies they try to keep short because it comes off in a negative way to some people. I have heard this myself and I do my best to try to explain whenever I am asked about this.

It's no question, obviously, that I accept these readings. I very proudly submit to my husband, but more importantly to God. Now, when I say I submit to my husband, I usually get one of the following responses:

1. Are you serious?   (YES!)
2. Do you really believe that? (Absolutely.)
3. So, he makes all the decisions? (Absolutely not)

Or if Jason and I consult each other before coming to a decision, we usually get:
1. Just make the decision. You don't need to talk to him/her.
2. Man up, Jake! (Not in those words but you can try to guess what is really said)

To try to make it short. It was very easy for me to accept this because I have a truly amazing husband. He is a strong man of faith and is not afraid to tell the world. He is not afraid to live it. I already knew that the Church is the bride of Christ and that Christ is the head of the Church. That's easy enough to say yes to. I also believe that a marriage has God-given roles to each person to make it all work out beautifully. If you just follow Him, then it will be alright. As a couple, we knew that already. As long as he focuses on his roles and I focus on mine, everything is in harmony. I don't mean to be cheesy or anything, but it's so true! Put God first and it all just falls into place. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean he makes all the decisions in our life. No. Absolutely not. We always come together to discuss whatever it may be. No matter what it is. We each voice our feelings on it and if a conclusion can't be made MY role is to let him make the final decision. Ah, there it is. He does make the decisions. Nope. I can say that I trust and have full faith in my husband that he will make the choice that is the best for our family. I know that he will never make a decision based on just what he wants. I know that my husband will bring God into his decision and that He will lead him to the right one. Since I have full faith in that and know that God has a hand in it, I am okay with him making that decision. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean that he orders me around and I am a slave to him. No, that is not what God wants and my husband knows that. Just like I have to put God first, so does he. The reading from Ephesians is really beautiful if you read it. It tells the husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. To love his wife like he loves himself. To sanctify her. All these things that husband is asked to do for their wives. What are the wives told to do? Respect your husband. That's it.

I submit to my husband and he submits to God. So that means that I submit myself to God. My submission means fully letting go and letting Him take control of everything in my life. Submitting to His will. Whether it is for our marriage, family, children, jobs, myself, the kids, future kids...anything...I leave it to Him and that's one of the main reasons why I veil. We've gotten a few head scratches and "I don't get it" in some decisions, but in the end, it was what we were led to.

Okay, so I did my research and knew that this was something I would do at some point. Not now, but sometime soon. I decided to pray about it. I really felt it drawing me in, but for some reason, I didn't feel ready. I prayed for months. During that time, I read something that said to not veil until your heart is veiled. That really touched me. I knew my heart needed a lot of work! I battled myself and was very worried about what people would think of me. I kept thinking that no one regularly veils at our church and all eyes would be on me! I was very self-conscious. There was also something deeper that I didn't realize that was keeping me from feeling that I was ready. Once I figured out what it was, I felt absolutely ready. At that point, I was doing my best to let God do His thing with my life. I said that I submitted all things of my life to him...so I thought. Matti was four years old and Josiah was one. The thought of another child terrified me. I was taking control of that aspect of my life and not letting Him take control like I said I was doing. I preached it, but I was not walking the walk. When I finally realized this, I never looked back. I completely submitted every aspect of my life and truly let go. I was open to life like I should have been in the first place. October 2012, at our community's National Gathering, I veiled for the first time. It felt so right and all my self-consciousness? Gone. Was I worried about people looking at me? Nope. It felt amazing to just fully submit and that is another reason why I veil. My submission to God.

The last big reason I veil is simple. Jesus Christ himself. I veil when I'm in the church, go to Mass, and to adoration. As Catholics, we believe that Jesus comes into our presence and that He is there with us. When we take communion, we are following the tradition He left for us. We consume Him and He is within us. I veil myself to show my reverence and to give Him ALL the glory. I feel like I'm saying, "Lord, it's not about me, it's all about You. Everything I am and all I do, is for You. It's all for You." It's a reminder to myself to really focus on what we are celebrating. When I am behind the veil, all the distractions are blocked out and I am in my own world of calm. It's an indescribable feeling. To me, wearing a veil is like an imitation of Mary in her humility and her submissiveness. Mary very easily said yes when she was told that she was going to have a child. She was so obedient and trusted God that in Luke 1:38 it says:

And Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

Let it be done to me according to your word.

She is the perfect example of how we should be obedient to God's word and to just leave it all to Him.

It took me seven months to feel ready to veil. I don't feel that women should be forced to veil. I think if you feel drawn to it, pray about it. Leave everything to God and He will answer your prayers. My veil is a part of me and in the past year, I've grown so much spiritually and as a person. It becomes a great reminder of how much God truly cares for us. Leaving it all in His hands has made life that much easier.

Lastly, in 1917 Code of Canon Law stated that women should cover their head. In 1983, it was not mentioned so it was no longer an obligation for women to do. I'm guessing that's when a lot of
 people stopped wearing it. I know others continued to do so for their own reasons. I think that's what great about it now. I don't feel that it should be mandatory. In the past year, I've had people ask me the reason for the veil and I've seen more women veiling. It's a personal choice between the woman and God. That's it. I get really excited when I see others wearing a veil and I want to hear their veil stories. It's not that common at our church so I find it so beautiful when I see another woman veiling.

I know this was really long. I've wanted to write this for such a long time. I wanted to share my story since people have asked me about the "thing on my head." :)

I'll leave you with this link in case you want even more reading ;) and pictures of me from last Sunday. Until next time!

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/head_coverings_in_church.htm

Matti, Josiah, and me :)

Where did the summer go?

Seriously. Matti started Kindergarten yesterday! Last year, he was only in school for half the day in the afternoon. This year he will be there all day! It is a big adjustment for all of us. No more "sleeping in." It's only day two, but he is adjusting okay. He was so excited to go to school and when he got home, he was all smiles. It was too sweet. I think one of my posts will just be pictures one day. I'm way overdue :) His two friends from last year aren't in class with him this year, but Matti says he will meet new friends in his class. Lucky for him, his two friends live right behind us so we really need to get them together for play dates since they really didn't play at all this summer. More on that later. I can't believe I have a 5 year old. I can't believe I have a Kindergartener. I can't believe he will be learning to write and read this year. Add & subtract. My baby is all grown up! Fo real. We've been practicing reading & writing this summer, but I'm excited to see his progress at school since they have better skills as far as those subjects go. I'm so excited for him!

Josiah turned two in the beginning of the month. We had a combined Ninja Turtles party and they both had so much fun. We even made ooey gooey ooze! Josiah has grown so much in the past few months. He talks so much & the sentences he puts together surprise me most of the time. The kid is so smart and I swear he will be a musician or something. He's got such a good ear and can pretty much repeat whatever he's heard. Since Kuya is at school all day, we  get to have one on one time which is pretty special to him. & me because in about two years, he will be leaving me for school, too.

Like I said, this summer has just flown by. A lot of things happened that were not in our control and most of the summer was spent being sick or feeling sick. I feel so bad for Matti because I was in such a crappy mood that he didn't get to play with his friends that much. A few weeks after school ended, I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3 who is named Micah Elisha. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were waiting to tell our families until a little later on. The excitement was very much there and we almost told everyone on July 4th (we found out June 30). We were leaving for Myrtle Beach on July 6th. On the evening of the 4th, I started to have some bleeding. It made me a little uneasy, but I knew that in some pregnancies, there can be bleeding. I monitored it for the night & into the next morning. I gave my doctor a call and she asked me to come in that Friday. My blood was drawn & they told me to take it easy and to come back on Monday to get another blood draw. They were checking my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) to see if the numbers would increase over the weekend. We told them about our trip to Myrtle Beach and they said that it would be fine to travel. Again, some women bleed throughout pregnancies & I felt fine. I had two healthy pregnancies before so there was no cause for alarm. & on Friday, go figure, the bleeding had calmed down. They just advised me to go to the hospital on Monday to get my blood drawn so we can compare it to Friday's results. We told my family at dinner because we wanted them to keep us in their prayers & most especially our baby. So, off to Myrtle Beach we went. That whole Saturday, was a day in the car pretty much. I was uncomfortable but I wasn't in pain. I just felt very bloated/full in my belly & like I needed to use the bathroom. The bleeding  was more than Thursday's & Friday's but I wasn't in pain. It's very unnerving to see bleeding while you are pregnant. I think in my mind I knew what was happening, but I was trying to think positive. EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. THIS ONE JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIFFERENT. I know that whatever is going to happen is according to God's will. That was the reason I stayed calm. We got to MB that night and we ordered pizza for dinner since the group was too big to eat at a restaurant at that hour and we were tired! At dinner, we told everyone (there was about three families--very big families lol) since we would be with them that whole week & they are pretty much our family too. Everyone cheered and there were a few "I thought you were pregnant a few weeks ago." Then, we added the BUT. That we were having some issues and we needed their prayers for myself and for our baby. Still, the mood was very happy and just a lot of excitement. We went to bed and the next morning, I felt fine. There was no bloated feeling, there was no feeling of going to the bathroom. I felt completely fine. I remember feeling a sense of relief. That it would be okay. We went about our morning. Some people went for an early swim. I was still taking it easy so I stayed in the room with my brother. I was making my coffee when I felt something very obvious pass. OH NO. That was my first thought. I was talking to someone and they told me that if a miscarriage was to happen, you will know. I was worried about flushing my baby down the toilet without realizing it. So, OH NO. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, it happened. I told my brother to call Jason who was walking around with Josiah. He eventually came back to the room and I showed him our baby. I told him, "I'm pretty sure this is our baby." I had Micah in a Ziploc (I hated that we had to keep Micah in that) since that was all we had. You could see and feel the sac and if you looked, you could see a tiny little baby in there. Our sweet Baby Micah. We were at a loss of what to do next. Jason wanted to go to the ER right away, but I felt a very strong feeling of going to Mass first. It was a Sunday and like any other Sunday I  have a strong urge for Mass. & that Sunday, it was even stronger. After talking about it, we decided to go after Mass. Thanks, ba! The first reading really got to me. Isaiah 66:13 says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." I still hadn't cried at that point, but when I read that, I knew that's why I wanted to come to Mass. He was there for me when I needed Him. He comforted me without me asking. It affirmed my feeling that everything happens for a reason. & that although we hurt at the loss of our baby, it will be okay. God has a greater plan than all of us and I'm okay with that plan. I submitted my life to Him. I trust in Him. He knows what he is doing. That's something I've always said and it was very easy to say that before. When something like this happens, it's easy to get angry. It's easy to doubt. It's easy to ask God why it happened to you. SO. SO. EASY. For me, I put all my trust in Him. I'm sad that we lost our baby. I am, but I am so happy that Micah is in heaven. That Micah is in God's arms. That we have a sweet little angel watching over us and praying for us. That my boys will always have their baby with them. Our sweet baby never felt hate. Just pure love. The week we knew about Micah was filled with so much love and happiness. Our sweet baby never felt pain. Pure love. I think that's what helped me a lot. I'm so thankful that my faith is where it's at right now. I don't know where I would be or how I would react if I wasn't where I'm at. Yes, I'm sad my baby is gone. I'm sad my boys will never get to play with Micah. There are times when I think about how Micah should be kicking now. & I know I will think that as I go on in life. Micah lives in us and through us. Our boys know Micah Elisha. They know about their baby and they will continue to as long as we all live.
So, anyway. We went to the ER after Mass and after many hours, they confirmed that there was "no obvious signs of pregnancy." My levels were in the 600s when they should've been in the 1000s. All I wanted to do was get back to our room and hug my sweet boys. I spent that week mostly in the room since I had to really take it easy because of blood loss. I almost needed a blood transfusion. My levels were at a 7 when they should be closer to 13. I spent a lot of time in with the boys and Jason and that was the vacation we needed. Thank you, for Your hidden blessings. Everything that has happened since then has been such a whirlwind. I will do a separate post strictly for Micah and the funeral service that we had. God has been amazing this summer. I feel like I say this a lot, but I really do feel that I am where I'm supposed to be in life. I have more than I could ask for and He continues to bless us abundantly. So, for those that were there these past few months: THANK YOU. Even a simple, "I'm thinking of you" was more than enough. I just hope that we can repay you all and show you just how much we appreciate all that was done for us.

Just to try to finish this up. Since the miscarriage, I've had issues with my hemoglobin and iron being low. After three weeks of medication, my hemoglobin only went from a 7 to a 7.4 which is very discouraging. After a week, I ended up in the ER for fainting and although that was worrisome, it wasn't because of my iron levels. Praise God! It was a vasovagal response which is pretty common. The good news is that my hemoglobin made its way up to an 8.3! After we left the ER, we were back with Josiah because he got to close to a cat and it bit him. He is recovering just fine. Lesson learned, I hope. So, after a lot of tiredness, nausea, ER, and doctor visits, I think I'm finally getting better. I feel much better as well. I pray my levels continue to rise and stay where it's supposed to be. It stinks that I spent most of the summer sick. The doctors were surprised that I was still walking around with my levels so low. We think that I was anemic for a while and it became a normal for me. Now, that I feel somewhat better, I do think I was a little sluggish. I just thought I was a sleepy head ;) It just sucks that what I thought was normal for me wasn't. Now, I look back and think of all the times we could've made it to the park or library, but now I'm looking forward to those trips now. My boys mean the world to me and I just want to get healthy for them. They need a happy & healthy mommy :)

You always find your way back.

I haven't been able to be update in quite while due to many things, but I'll slowly try to come back. I've slacked on a lot of things which includes taking pictures. Which makes me sad. I feel that I've documented our lives pretty well until I had Josiah. Things just got to be too much and I had to refocus. Get my act together. It's not altogether just yet, but it's getting there. 

Just for a rundown on what I may or may not elaborate on at another time:

-Cloth Diaper switch around August last year 

-Matti finished his first year of school 

-Veiling & whether I've made the decision to wear it or not

-Extended rear facing & extended harnessing 

-Orange Rhino 

Who am I kidding? Those are things that I absolutely do want to talk about! I feel like I've changed in the past few months as far as my parenting and found a few things that I've become very passionate about.  I hope to share my thoughts about it in hopes of spreading the word. I've been a mom for just five years and I'm still learning. I don't know everything. I don't say I'm better than you because we don't have the same practices. It's just that I wish I knew the things I know now when I first became a mother. Sorry if I come off the wrong way, but that's not my intention at all. I give out the information in case it's something new to other parents.  I don't know it all, but I do know that I love being a mom. I've never felt so comfortable doing anything in my life. I can say and fully believe that one of the reasons I am here is because to be a mother. So, I hope that for those that still check on me once in a a while or get an email saying I wrote a new blog will keep reading. Until next time...take care! 

Wear your babies!

Baby wearing

I've always heard that every baby is different. My 2 boys are just that. 

MJ was a very independent (and still is) baby. He could entertain himself, he was fine in a swing, bouncer, crib, etc. He was an easy baby. He ate, played, and slept. Throw in diaper changes and baths and you're good! He set his routine early on and I was thankful. Let me just say, I didn't just leave him alone all the time. Not at all! I just found it very easy to do things around the house and even make 3.5 hour trips alone! (that's impossible with bbJ lol) There really wasn't a need for me to wear him. I had a Snugli (yea, I know...I'm embarrassed for myself) but I didnt know better. I tried with MJ and it wasn't 'right' for us. A big chunk of it was probably because that thing was so uncomfortable! For me and definitely for him! (those type of carriers are terrible for babies!) This time around, I've fallen in love with baby wearing. I love the fact that I can be there for my baby when he longs for touch and be able to do things like a normal person.

So, once bbJ arrived, I did what came naturally to care for him. Very early on, I knew he was a different baby 'compared' to his brother. ( I try not to compare them, but I just want the differences emphasized. ) this was all new to me. My baby needed to nurse, be held, be touched, be entertained,  be around people...constantly. On a rare occasion he would tolerate bouncers or the swing, but only for 5-10 mins. Which is nothing when you have a 3 year old to tend to. My husband would take him when he could but soon after, bbJ would need to eat. It's amazing how much he knew it was me. Or if I had walked into a room, he would know! Routines have never worked with him. What worked one day or even earlier in the day, never worked the next or hours later. I learned quick that there is nothing known with bbJ except that he needed to be touched. A month into this world, we bought a Moby wrap. I wanted one with MJ but I never really needed it. With bbJ, I needed it bad! The first time we used it, I felt so free! How good it felt to stretch my arms out! To sit down and have a meal using both hands! I was in love with it and so was bbJ. He loved being snuggled up to mommy all warm and taking in mommy's smell. I fell in love with baby wearing. I loved that he was finally content but most of all, that he was so close to me all the time. The smell of babies, staring at his sweet face while he slept, that first smile when he woke up...priceless. These moments are forever etched in my mind. Those times with him being so little were short lived. Babies are babies for such a short time so I was cherishing every moment of it. I was able to while taking care of my 3 year old. Very slowly, life was becoming more normal. 

Now, he's a walking, babbling, and non stop one year old. He still longs for touch but not to the extent of his baby days. He's a very happy baby and we still love baby wearing. I know it will help calm him down. I know if I need to do something, he's going for a ride. Usually, he falls asleep. I can't see myself not baby wearing any future babies. We now have a soft structured carrier and I carry him on my back. Hubby does too but it's a daily thing for bbJ and me :) you can often find us literally hanging out while dancing around the house cleaning! our carrier can also carry our 4 year old and we've tested it and it works just as good. Pain free ha ha. 

With bbJ being one and walking, it seems a lot of people feel that baby wearing isn't necessary. I've heard a few "put that baby down" but I know what he needs or wants. He gets plenty of 'down' time but he loves nothing more than going for a piggy back ride. I can't complain because I love our carrier, ha ha. We rarely use a stroller now too. So we will see how our baby wearing continues. We are completely in love! 

If you have a very touchy/feely baby, I highly recommend investing in a good carrier! I recommend Moby or similar wraps during the first year and soft structured carriers (SSC), like Boba or Ergo, once they grow out of the wraps. Carriers are definitely an investment! I absolutely do not recommend 'crotch dangler' carriers like the Snugli & Bjorn. They are the worst for your babies! 

Le updates

We have been so busy the past month! I'm going to break it down like usual to update on everything.

Jaces

I feel weird writing about us first since I always out the boys first, but it makes more sense this way. As usual, we try to spend us much time together as possible. It's awesome that we have what we have. It's hard to explain, but the flow in our household just seems to be so smooth. We do what we need to do and things just work out. We are still attending our households and we are just growing more as a couple and individually, too. It's an amazing thing to sit back and watch your spouse grow in their faith. I'm thankful I found such a good faithful man who truly strives to live his life like Jesus Christ.

Jason

He still works nights but we just found out that in a few weeks he will be switching to days. (so bummed, but I will explain later) we weighed out the pros and cons and although we prefer nights, partly because he's got an awesome friend in there haha, for our family at this time, we felt it would be a good idea to switch. We are excited since we will be able to have dinner together as a family and that we can finally have somewhat of a normal schedule. He is still in the Reserves. He's actually there now, and pretty soon will be going to school. Once that is done, we will face deployment. Absolutely not looking forward to that but we will be just fine.

Frances...that's me!

I'm still at home with the boys and loving it. I love being here while the boys are young. I still miss working and I struggle that battle more than I should, but I'm much better now. Patience, the time will come. That said, about a month ago I was offered a full time position at the bank. They absolutely wanted me and was working with me for my hours since Jason works nights. For three days, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. It seemed like what we needed, what I needed, etc at that time. As the days went on, it became more clear that it wasn't what we needed. I didn't really want to believe it, because I'm stubborn. A lot of people didn't really understand why I turned it down, but it was a decision we left up to God and in the end realized that it would've been bad for our family. I would work in the day just to get home so Jason can leave for work. And by the time he comes home, I'm heading to bed. That may work for some families but not ours. Yes, you do what you need to do, but this wasn't a need....not that much. What our need and what we want for our family is time together. We've done our time apart. A big thing that was important to us was that if I worked, the boys would rarely see mommy and daddy together. One would always be at work. That's not what we want--seeing parents together is a big thing for us. If Jason was going to days soon, at the time he was not, I probably would've taken it. So a month later, we find out he is going to days, and I'm just bummed about it. Not too much since I know it's not the time. I know that even more now. I'm still praying about veiling but I know it's something I will be doing. Maybe very soon. I feel the Lord needs to work a little more on this heart of mine. 

Matti

Well, the biggest news on this big boy is that he started school! Just last week! We found out two weeks ago. I was just coming to terms that he would be home with me for another year. So, when we got the letter, I cried. Tears mostly of joy and also tears of sadness. It went from a whole year with him to just barely two weeks! This mommy was not ready! I am extremely happy and excited for him though! it was just hard to believe that he really is a big boy now! I also was having a hard time knowing I had to trust others with my kid. 4 years together...just me and him. Anyway, he absolutely loves school! He comes home so excited and sings songs he learned. I love hearing about his day. The second day, he told his teacher he couldn't hear the song since she was singing. Oops. He came home with a note at the end of the week and the teacher relieved the fears I had with him struggling to listen or follow directions. He's just the opposite..yay! She had positive things to say about him.  We were told a few times that Matti speaks a lot for his age and very clearly, too. I thought he mumbled a lot haha. He's not shy at all from what we have seen. He loves his paraeducator, and I told him in time, he'd love his teacher too. I think he's warming up to her. I don't think that he liked that she was the boss. He rides the bus to and from school and he just loves it. It makes me nervous but seeing him so excited about it, helps take most of it away. I'm really scared he'd get lost or something. His transition to school has been smooth. This week is his first full week. 

Josiah

This guy turned one earlier this month. It's still hard to believe. I'm still amazed by the changes babies go through in the first year of life. He is starting to walk alone more. He has taken as much as ten steps on his own. Matti walked at 13 months so we are getting close to Kuya's mark. Oh! He climbs onto the couch and anything else he is able to. He signs for milk and all done. He says some things (night night, mama, dada, ooooya for kuya, dog, door, hao for hello).. He high fives, waves bye, pretends to be on the phone, plays peek a boo, and so much more. He tries to do whatever his brother is doing. I love watching them together. Pretty soon we will have our time together and that'll be nice for him. 

We are doing great just keeping busy with the boys, meetings, and family. We're hoping to get to see our friends more often once he goes to days since we will be normal, haha. That's the big rundown of it all. There are so many things I want to talk about more. I really hope to be able to find the time. Until next time! 

Where has my baby gone?

We have been so busy this month. The house is ridiculous! I plan on catching up this week. Matti had his pool party this past Saturday at our family friend's house. It turned out pretty good and the weather cooperated too. It's been insanely hot here but Saturday was tolerable.

Today, Matti had his check up. He is 29 lbs and 40 inches tall (I think). While we were waiting for the doctor, matti was drawing on the paper that they laid out, lol. He wrote his name and was doodling. She eventually came in while Matti was talking and Matti stopped lol. He showed her his work and she was impressed. She did the routine check up while asking him questions to get him talking. He was so shy! So, I just need to go to the doctors to get him to be quiet haha since he is non stop normally. She asked him to draw shapes, an "X" and to draw Mommy or Daddy. Now I wish I had taken a picture! He hopped on each leg, balanced on each leg and did all she asked. The nurse took him for his eye check and named the shapes and figures on the chart. I had to cover each eye and he missed a few of the smaller pictures but it didn't worry them yet. We're keeping an eye out for that though. Jason & I both wear glasses but I'm hoping he won't need them so soon. He's where he's supposed to be on the charts. Gained 4 lbs and grew half an inch. Although, she thought he would grow more...so he might be taking after me! We talked about school and had his first school check up. Waahhh! :( I asked about getting allergy testing done since he hasn't had one yet. I'd be sad if he grew out of the nut allergy and he's missing out on PB&J sandwiches! She told us to schedule an appointment with an allergist since his results 2 years ago showed increased levels to nut and milk. So that's our next step. other than that, everything was perfect! She was happy to see him doing so well and that he seemed "advanced for a 4 year old." makes me a proud momma! I really need to quit worrying and looking elsewhere since apparently, he's doing just fine. Four years old. I can't believe it. This year is a little harder than the past four. He's really a big boy now.

Let's be adults here....

...and talk about breastfeeding. Yep. How does that make you feel?

Josiah is 8 (now 10..took me a while to post) months old and yes, we are still breastfeeding. Still. I've already had people come to me and ask when we're going to stop. Frankly, I'm not sure. Or say, "You're still doing that?" yes, I'm still doing THAT. Breastfeeding. It's okay, you can say it. It's the most natural thing a woman can do for her child. It's okay. Can you tell me why it's okay for a woman to wear daringly low cut shirts and it be okay, but when a woman goes to feed her baby in public, it's gross? I don't get it. I'm not going to flash my boob for the world to see. When I've had to nurse in public, I've made sure you, the public, can't see anything. thankfully, I've never had anyone say anything to me but I've heard stories of people telling the mom to go to the bathroom. To feed your child?! Why don't you eat there yourself? I've seen looks but never in a bad way. Again, thankfully. I don't know how nice I could be, haha.

I don't mean to be mean but I've finally come to terms with my breastfeeding experience. This has taken me such a long time to finally write about. I want to share my background a little...or a lot since I have a lot to say. My first boy was born in June of 2008. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I was far from educated. We breastfed for about a month and a half. All of a sudden my baby wanted to constantly eat and in my uneducated mind, thought he was not getting enough. You know those formula samples you get at the hospital? Well, I supplemented. All of a sudden my baby was doing 4 hour stretches between his hunger times. I thought that I didn't make enough. I know now that at 6 weeks, babies hit a growth spurt. Had I continued to feed him on demand like I should've been, my body would've made more milk to keep up with my baby's needs. The beauty of breastfeeding is it is supply and demand. With me supplementing, I hurt my supply and that's why for 2 weeks I tried desperately to get my baby to feed. Nope. The bottle flowed faster, formula made him fuller and he preferred that. I was sad that was all we could do but I didn't know better.

Sometime between then and when our second son was born in August 2011, I read a lot about breastfeeding. I learned what I failed at during the first attempt and I was determined to breastfeed our second son for as long as I could. I wanted to pass 2 months..if I could make it to 6 months, great! I didn't set a goal. I just said as long as I could. I was so determined and it was the main thing I wanted for my baby. Josiah was born 3 weeks early. We had nothing ready but again, I was just looking forward to start our breastfeeding relationship. Everything was going great until month two when the doctor didn't feel he was gaining enough weight. Josiah ate constantly and I was fine with that. I wanted the absolute best for my baby. I was more than exhausted but I wanted it to work. I was mentally ready for those growth spurts. During month 3, I worked so hard to get him to gain weight. I nursed hourly, pumped, took milk boosting meds, ate oatmeal, upped my water intake even more, I did all I could do. At 4 months, I was sure he had gained weight. To my surprise, he didn't. His curve on his chart made a horizontal line. I was devastated. I was hurt, angry, confused, but most of all just sad. I felt that I was starving my baby. I felt hurt because this is the most natural thing a mother could do, and I couldn't do it. For the second time. I felt I was broken and something was wrong with me. I felt so alone because I felt that no one supported me (except for my husband and a FEW friends). Whenever anyone saw me, their first questions were, "Are you giving him formula yet? You know you can give just a little. Why won't you give him formula? Is he getting real milk yet (what)? He'll sleep better if you give him formula. He's so small! (well he was 3 weeks early!) feed that baby! Isn't formula better? Did the doctor tell you to breastfeed first? When can you start formula?" I tried my best to educate those who truly didn't get it and TRIED to be nice when answering but it was getting to me. I felt that every time I was asked a question similar to that, I was being told I wasnt supported in my decision. I didn't understand how those older than me didn't know just how good breastfeeding is. And how they think that small boobs means less milk (it's totally false). Someone actually said this to me. It brought me down more and more and I wanted to prove all of them wrong. So, when I was told I wasn't making enough, I was so sad. Stress is a huge factor and can affect your supply drastically. I feel now that I was so focused on trying to prove them all wrong, and it was stressing me out. I did do it for my baby too, but with us much as much negativity as I was getting, I wanted to prove myself. I was mad at myself and I pretty much started shutting down. I started thinking back as to what I could've done different. I put a lot of blame on myself and I do believe I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Aside from picking on myself, all the people that ever said anything to me about formula came to my mind. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone in fear that I would say something I would regret. So I shut down. At 4 months, we supplemented. I hated the bottle, I hated making the bottle (I was literally angry when I made them), I hated seeing people feed him because half the time, they weren't paying attention and that made me mad. I loved nursing him because of the bond that we have. Looking at him and he's looking back and he flashes a smile as if he's saying thank you. I love you. Bottle feeding at that time felt like people were disconnected. I walked out of rooms when I saw him being fed and the person feeding him was looking around. I was so bitter and angry. Anger eventually turned to sadness. Sad that I had no one to talk to about this. Sad that I do have to supplement. This was taking a toll on our marriage. I felt so down that no matter how hard he tried to help, I couldn't get myself out of that funk. When I did express my feelings, I could never get him to truly understand. He still is my biggest supporter and knows just how important breastfeeding is to us. I continued to breastfeed. I figured getting a little was better than nothing. When he was 7 months old, I went on a Marriage in Christ retreat. I left my baby for the first time and I brought my pump. I didn't know what to expect but I knew we would benefit greatly from it. Saturday afternoon, I needed to pump so while we discussed things, I pumped. When I finished, I had 4 oz! That's the most I've ever seen me pump. Jake was amazed too and told me that it was good I got that much. Just hearing that I believe started my healing. Later that night, we had a session. On one side we wrote a list of people we've hurt. That was hard. On the other side (this exercise I've done at our old youth retreats), you write the names of people that hurt you. I sat there for a while and I started to tear up. I was seeing the faces of people who said those hurtful things to me. Yes, it wasn't their intention, but to me, it hurt. I listed their names and felt a sense of relief. At the end, we had to verbally say, I forgive you and I teared up. It was then I knew I was going to be okay. Since then, I got out of that funk. My attitude was different. Those people may never know but for me to say, "I forgive you." it was enough.

Here we are at 8 (now 10) months. We breastfeed and supplement. I take comments so much better now although I do stress that we breastfeed as well. In a month and a half our goals have changed. When someone asks when we're stopping, my answer is, " whenever Josiah is ready." I don't look forward to that day but I'm going to cherish these moments while we have them. I do realize he may not wean himself until he's much older and that's a whole new battle. I could be that mom whose son says, "I want boob." I wish that breastfeeding wasn't so taboo. In other parts of the world, children still breastfeed at 4 years old! Maybe more. Now, I can't imagine my oldest coming up to me and asking, but that's normal in other countries. Western culture has sexualized breasts so much that it's considered gross even when a baby is just one year old! Breastmilk has too many good things in it that it cannot be duplicated. Why take that away from your child if they aren't ready? Josiah and I have this insanely close bond. (my oldest and I have one too, I'm not saying we don't). It's beyond words could explain. Moms who breastfeed can attest to it. It's something else. Again, I'm not trying to say formula fed babies don't have one with their mothers. It's just different. I know one day, breastfeeding will be replaced with something else to soothe him, to comfort him, to bond with him, but until he shows me he wants to stop, we're not going to.

I do feel that every breastfeeding mom should have people that support them. It's not always easy so it's nice to have someone to go to during those times. If you try and it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up over it. At least you tried. The least you can do is try!

Laughter is the best medicine!

I looked back at my old blog and realized I'm nowhere near where I was with that blog. I wish I could keep up with this like I did with my old one. I love looking back because I remember things that I've forgotten. Like funny moments. So, I wanted to come on here and write about some funnies that happened recently.

Rattlesnake.

We were in the car with Jason's parents and sister. His sister started to ask a question. She was wondering if a rattler went to strike, and its rattle hit you, would it hurt. We all couldn't help but laugh.

The stench.

On that same ride home, Jason let out a toot, haha. He was being nice so he rolled his window down. It just so happened that the area we were in, reeked of cow manure. For about 5 miles! We were dying from the smell and couldn't stop laughing. Which caused us to smell it even more. The weird thing is, the area was not a farming area. Where we live now, we have farms, but it has never smelled that bad! Yuck.

The mall.

Jason was getting ready for his duty this week and he was confused about something. They told him that they were to report, board a bus and go to the Washington Mall for PT. He didn't understand why they were going to a mall for PT. He added, "I don't even know where that mall is!" I had to remind him that the Washington Mall is the big field of grass in DC. you know, where everyone picnics and flies kites, haha. Oh, how I love him.


Sorry the first one didn't make much sense. The context of the conversation would not have come off the same way. You just had to be there.

I'll return when I have more. Have a great Friday!

J&M tidbits

Last week we went to the Poconos mountains for our yearly trip. Very early into the vacation, Josiah decided it was time to crawl. He is nonstop! We had a great time in the mountains but I prefer the Tennessee mountains. It was still fun though. The place we stayed at was so nice! I don't have any pictures but Kennelle does.

It's hard to get back from vacation mode so I have slacked off in the cooking. It's been quick easy meals for now. I need to get back in my groove.

Today, we went to Josiah's 9 month appointment. Yes, 9 months! He weighs 17 lbs 12.4 oz and is 27 inches long. I feel it necessary to have the .4 included since he had trouble gaining in the beginning. He is growing just perfect and developing just fine. He finally made it on the charts. Doc says to keep letting him try table foods to our discretion and Josiah just loves it. I think I held off completely for matti. I'm not sure if I mentioned it but Josiah can clap and produce sound. He finds this extremely entertaining. He also pulls up and cruises but he thinks he can walk do he lets go. Of course he topples down. that's right, I remember, this is where you have a heart attack every two seconds.

Matti is too funny. We had just woken up from a nap and Matti was on our bed. Josiah was slapping my stomach and matti says, "Mommy, Siah came out your belly?" I told him yes. "but why?" I told him I make babies, haha. "Hmm..maybe I can make babies too!" I told him that only girls make babies but he said that boys could too. That was the end of it but it was cute.

These two are going to be fun to watch together. Their personalities are so different but you can see the love they have for each other.

Baby Milestones

This morning I put Josiah down on the big blanket to let him play while I grabbe laundry to throw in the washer. Kuya was watching Mickey Mouse and when Jason peeked on Josiah, he was clapping along to the music on TV. He doesn't watch TV yet but it was cute seeing him clap along. I eventually finished what I was doing and got on the floor with Josiah. He turned to start crawling to me. At this point, his crawl is a mix between an army crawl and mermaid swim, haha. Today is a new day! He was up on all fours like he usually starts, but today, he moved his arms forward with his legs following. I kept scooting back and he kept crawling! Oh my baby, how you've grown!

He's got a cold with a runny nose. I hope it's teething related since we leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm ready to be in the mountains already. I need to finish laundry do I can pack! Have a great weekend.

*i stand corrected. Josiah watches the intro of Law & Order:SVU (both boys do). & he watches when they spin the big wheel in Price is Right. He likes the beeping :) *

This and that

Matti likes to spell his name. Especially on his Leap Pad. Matti R. So proud of him. He's definitely at the stage where he wants to be in control of everything. It's a hard stage but were getting through it. At dinner, he said, "mommy, I apologize. Sorry I keep spitting." it was so sweet. & so are his "I love you, mommy" that come out of nowhere.

Josiah has been crying a lot lately. I'm certain separation anxiety has arrived. It peaks at 8 months for boys. Ding! Right on time. He cries like he's physically hurting. Poor thing. Weird thing is once in a while, he stops after about 5 mins and starts entertaining himself. This is a slight improvement. He also prefers to sleep on his stomach. This makes the little night routine we had somewhat difficult. He still needs a hand on me though. Right now, it's on my shoulder. He also isn't wanting his bottle lately (I think teething related) and gets frustrated nursing. :( Oh! He scoots around now on his stomach. He likes to crawl over me like an obstacle. Tonight, he managed to bite my arm. He has two bottom
teeth and they hurt!

Jason's cousin is in town with her two boys. They are such happy little boys. We've been visiting grandma's since they've been here. Boys have so much energy! We went to the beach on Saturday and it was a good time. Josiah loved it. He kept digging in the sand and loved watching it fall from his hands. Can't wait for more beach trips. We did almost get taken out by a fishing line. That was scary! No one got hurt thanks to the guy cutting his line.

One of my girls is getting married tomorrow and I'm sad I can't be there. She's having a destination wedding in Jamaica. I'm so happy for her and glad to see her so happy. I do wish I could be there for her. She will be on my mind all day tomorrow. She was one of my maid of honors! Excited for her new chapter in life.

Jason's been working on his car. It looks really good. I will never get that boy away from his love of cars. It makes me happy seeing him do those things. I miss him though!

My parents are on vacation. They're gone for 12 days and they deserve every single day. It sounds like they're having a good time. Tomorrow they will be on a cruise ship. I can't wait til we go on our vacation. It will be to the Poconos. First time for all of us :)

On the go

Josiah has been doing so much lately. He turned 8 months on the ninth of this month. He wasn't really moving around too much. He sat up and rolled when he felt like it. He'd rather cry than reach for his toy. Since last week, he's been non stop! He scoots around on he's stomach. He pushes up onto all fours and starts rocking. I remember matti crawling shortly after that stage. He's pulling up on things but still unsteady. He goes from a seated position to all fours. Just overall been very active! At church on Sunday, he started clapping! I didn't notice until matti pointed it out. He's so cute! He finds it so funny and laughs at himself. He is just so happy with his new find. He misses half the time but he loves it. He can also do close open which is a Filipino thing haha. You sing a little tune and he opens and closes his hands. He has been responding to signs like more and all done. He doesn't do it yet...although when he wants more food, he opens and closes his hands lol. If you ask him if he all done (sign and verbal) and he's not, he will blow raspberries. If you ask if he wants more (sign and verbal), and he is full, he will blow raspberries. So, he's still using raspberries to show his dislike of things. I'm excited cause this is the start of one of my favorite baby stages. I love every stage but this stage is fun. They are learning and exploring and their personality really shows. Anyway, amber necklace is on day 3 and I'll wait on that update. Have a great day!

Here we go!

Today is Day 1 with Josiah's Baltic Amber Teething necklace. I may sound like a loon but I've heard lots of good things about them. I wanted one for matti but he was a good teether. Josiah is taking it a little harder. I will update in the future. I will elaborate on it more later on as well.

Busy doing....nothing, but everything too.

Josiah is soon to be 7 months. He's growing just great & is learning so much so fast. He is the baby to flash a smile to whoever is paying attention to him at that time. He rolls from back to front now and he sits up on his own. We have pillows to catch him when he timbers, but for the most part, he is going solo. :) He's still not much of a sleeper....both at night and during the day. I'm pretty sure he's teething so I'm sure that doesn't help with his sleeping patterns. Soon enough he will crawl which is exciting yet at the same time sad because he's not a baby baby anymore. He eats baby food now and he enjoys it for the most part. I'm toying with the idea of making his food for him. It doesn't seem like it would be too complicated.

Matti. This boy challenges me every single day. He's got such a strong opinion and he wants it heard. Loud & clear! He has his moments but it's not his fault. He's learning and we're learning. No one has a book on parenting. ;) Other than that, he's a normal little kid. He loves his trains, movies, and talking. Talking, talking and more talking. He really never stops, but the things that come out of his mouth sometimes is just too funny. He is a little shy when he is around people at first, but after a while, he warms up and becomes best friends with you, haha. He'll be going into school this coming school year, and I'm mentally preparing myself. I can't imagine him walking the hallways, having his backpack, riding the school bus (I'm debating on that one), and just being away from me. When did he grow up?

We are waiting to move into my parents old house. AKA the house I grew up in. We're really excited. & by waiting, I mean, we can move in now if we wanted to, but we want to fix it up before we do. We've painted, cleaned the floors, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned & cleaned some more! Jason decided he pretty much wanted to replace everything in the master bath. As soon as that's finished, we're good to go. So soon! At least before March 16th I believe. We have a meeting at our house, haha. Jason moved to nights so we're getting used to that schedule. I feel like it's a better fit for us. I love having Jake home in the mornings. :)

Random thought. You know that quote, "It takes a village to raise a child." Well, I certainly can see how that can apply. I can definitely see it when you're in a community like FCJ. Everyone has their influences and kind of looks out for the child. I'm glad my boys will have that growing up because I think my brother & I only gained from my parents being in a community. They also will have amazing role models to look up just like I do. On the side of it, I can also can see how it can be seen as untrue. I think that it (village raising a child) can only be true if the parents' rules are followed rather than overstepped or ignored. When that happens, I feel that the child gets confused since the parents say one thing and the "village" says the opposite. Of course, the child will choose the one who has the answer he or she wants.  It can be a good thing, but I definitely see how it can be a bad thing as well. Either way, I appreciate our little village, in a way, because I know they will have more of a positive effect on my boys.

So yea, that's what's going on. I know there's a lot more but I don't have too much time. Until next time.

J-man

Josiah is now 4 months old. He does so much already that I'm so happy. Happy because he is considered a preemie and most times, they do things later than full term babies. Some of these things he's been doing for the past month or two, but I don't have that written anywhere.

His favorite thing to do is talk! Matti talks so much and I think it's rubbed off on Josiah. It's the cutest thing. He lights up when he sees his older brother and is all smiles and giggles when it comes to him. If you put your hand over his mouth, he will say, "ahh" and wait for you to move your hand to make a noise. I noticed that if you sing "Close, Open" to him, he will try to close & open his hand. He likes to mimic people and is just so eager to try things. He likes to stand and he will do so with outstretched arm. Think of the Jesus statue in Rio, haha. He grabs for everything. Toys, hair, hands, ceiling fans, etc. Whatever he sees, he'll reach for it. Last month, he rolled over from front to back! He usually does it right after he wakes up. If I try to do it during the day, he doesn't really do it. When he's on his back, he can get to his side, but he can't go to his belly just yet. He always wants to sit up. So he's been hanging out in his Bumbo seat or in the Boppy with a blanket around him. He pulls his head up when he's reclining because he just wants to sit. He's so observant and will track something in the room or focus on one thing to see what it does. This boy is sooo strong & he's so smart.

We started supplementing, but I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. I'm still very upset about it and hopefully one day I'll be able to write something out without being so nasty about it. I tried and I'm just very bitter.

Things are getting better. Short naps can be taken in his bouncer. He'll entertain himself for about 20 minutes before wanting to be picked up. I am able to put him down when I need to. Slowly but surely, it's getting better.

Today, he fell asleep on my lap. I just kept him there because he was just too cute to put down. I started doing things on the computer and I looked down at one point to find him wide awake looking at me. Big brown eyes looking right at me & once I saw him, he flashed a big smile. I love it.

family first

I haven't really gone online to do much of anything in the past week or so. I had to deal with things and had to decide if I wanted to keep putting my life out there. Right now I stand at, "Take it or leave it. This is our life."

I've also been trying to figure out something to make my days easier since Josiah is a much much different baby than Matti was. Not to compare or anything. Matti was a very easy baby and Josiah is not easy, but challenging. I thought it'd be a breeze a second time around, but boy was I wrong. So with him being 3 months, I really wanted to figure out how to "function" as a mom to both boys and help more in the house. It's been so unbelievably hard. Josiah is just a challenging/high needs baby. Which is NOT a bad thing. I was really about to go insane before I read about it and now I'm doing better knowing I'm not doing anything wrong.

I wondered if he was acting this way because he is all breastfed and if something is wrong with me or what we're doing. I'll just rundown a list of the things.

1. He refuses to be put down. There are times when we can get away with it. Usually about 10 minutes or less. You can get more out of it if you are in his face talking to him. Not that I want to be away from my baby. I just need time to myself to take care of Matti who is potty training. & he has other needs. I need to do laundry. Our room hasn't been picked up because I'll get to it eventually. So what. I also have my needs too. We put him in a swing. On his play mat. A papa san. Car seat. Propped up to a seating position. He will not have it. & yes, you can tell me to let him cry a little. I'm not the type to come running at my baby at the first peep that he makes. I give him time to calm down, but THERE IS NO CALMING DOWN. It gets progressively louder and louder. So we hold him. I hold him. A lot. Am I spoiling him? No. There's no way to spoil a baby before a year old. He's only 3 months old. He was held constantly in my belly. Babies long for what was familiar. There's a reason he is crying and I give him his time and it doesn't work. When Josiah wants something, he wants it right there & then. He's not manipulative (he's ONLY 3 months old. He is still learning a lot. He's just started to laugh? Manipulative? No. I don't like when babies are called these things because they are so innocent! Another piece of advice. Get a carrier. Got one & I love it. Josiah loves it too.....on certain days. For the past few days, he's HATED it. Those days are tough. Today, he's sleeping very content in it. That's why I'm able to write all this out. I can hope & pray that this is a Moby day.

2. Very unpredictable. He's either super happy or he's just not having it. I call it "not in the mood." Most times he'll start out happy at some degree. It can go either way after about 5 minutes. It doesn't mean that I tiptoe with him. It just means that I can't run on a schedule no matter what. Which makes set times (church, dinner dates, etc) a little difficult. We're learning to manage. People have asked me how we're doing. & ironically, I've been saying, "we're adjusting/figuring it out." I thought it was just having two kids. In reality, I just have two different babies. Josiah does make the days interesting since we never know what's going to happen. Also, like I mentioned before, some days he loves one thing (Moby) and the next, he wants nothing to do with it. He used to love being swaddled, but that worked for 3 days.

3. He doesn't take a pacifier. Or know how to soothe himself. Matti loved the pacifier and he was able to soothe himself from the start. Josiah is completely opposite. The pacifier pisses him off to no end & self soothing? What's that? haha. We're trying white noise & it semi worked yesterday. Again, refer to #2 about that. You know how he does soothe? By nursing.

4. He craves to be touched. If he happens to get put down, you need to be in his face or touching some part of his body. As soon as he feels that, he stops. He doesn't like feeling alone. He doesn't like not seeing anyone around him. He needs a warm body next to him. Constantly. Here's where the wrap comes in handy. This is why he wants to be held all the time. This is a reason why we co-sleep. If we didn't, we all wouldn't be sleeping. I have a bassinet in the room and it's just there. We attempt to put him there once in a while hoping it's the day that he will stay in it. We haven't found that day yet. At least we're getting some sleep. It doesn't help that at naptime I have to lay down with the boys because I'd rather be doing chores that need to caught up on. Or even just shower. One day.

5. He nurses all the time. He nurses to eat. He nurses to soothe. He nurses for comfort. He nurses just to do it. Once he's done eating, he will play for a little bit. After about 45 minutes, he gets bored and nothing will stop him from fussing until he is nursing. I see him starting to fall asleep & in an attempt to get to sleep without nursing, I try to take him off. Sometimes it works, but most times it doesn't. We start the process over. Next thing you know, I'm sitting there with a baby knocked out but very attached to me. If I try to take him off, he will wake up immediately. If not, in five minutes. IF & a very BIG IF, I manage to get him in the swing, he will stay asleep for at the most 5 minutes. & back on the breast he goes. He doesn't take a pacifier & like I said, it makes him so upset. You can only distract him so much before the only way to stop him is to nurse him.

That's just some points. some things I combined together. Motherhood with Matti just came so naturally and I thought it would be the same. I thought I was doing something wrong but I'm glad to know that there are other moms who are going through the same thing. There's a reason why they say every baby is different. & I've seen it at the extremes. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know sooner or later, it will get better and we'll figure it out.

I promise to fight for you because you are my boys.
I will be brave for you even when I'm terrified.
I will love you always.
I will be mean at times but that's only because you need boundaries.
I really only do that because I love you.
I will do everything I can to protect you.
Sometimes I have to let you hurt but the pain will go away I promise.
I will cry with you.
Please don't break hearts.
I will always have time to hear you out. There is no 'just because' since that isn't fair.
We will always be fair but that doesn't mean you will get everything you ask for.
We will butt heads, I'm sure if it, and we will not go to bed without it being resolved.
After God, family comes first.
We will go to church together every Sunday & spend the day together. Trust me on this...it works.
Promise to try your absolute best in everything & that will be enough.
Don't give up so easily.
Never be afraid to cone to me.
I will sit with you when you do homework...if you ask me to. But I will always check it.
There will be a time when you will not like me, I just hope you will know that i still love you then.
I am your mother. You are my boys. My love for you is like nothing else.

weekend.

Just a quick recap of the weekend.

Friday night we went to Jason's co-workers house to hang out/dinner/dessert. We ate before we went since it was starting late & we were hungry. Jason made some halo halo but forgot to toast the pinipig (think rice krispies), but it was still pretty good. I had a tiny sip of Sangria and it was surprisingly good. I just wanted to taste it and was worried about my milk, but it turns out it's okay to have a little bit. Good thing Josiah wasn't due to eat for 2 hours at that point. We're slowly trying to get our social life back since we have kept ourselves in the house for the past 10 weeks. Two weekends ago, we went to the Redskins/Eagles game with our friends. It was a lot of fun even though we lost. I don't care what people say about burgundy&gold, I will always love them <3

Quick story about Matti on Friday. He & his friend (?) were upstairs playing and having a great time. Maybe two hours later, I noticed Matti lingering downstairs without his friend. He kept saying, "mommy.." really innocently which made me worry he was doing something he wasn't supposed to. He finally comes to me & says, "I want to go upstairs." I told him that he could go and he could play with his friend. He then told me that he didn't want to wake him up. His friend fell asleep on his bed and Matti didn't want to make too much noise playing so he was hanging out downstairs. How nice...wish he did that at home lol.

On the ride home that night, we asked him if he had a good time. He said that he did & we asked him what they did/played. He said that his friend told him in a scolding voice, "Go to your mommy!" I asked him why he would say that and Matti didn't give a clear answer. So, we changed the subject and asked him to tell us what they played. He mentioned how his friend fell asleep. We asked what he did then, and he replied with, "I yelled like this 'aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!'" with a smile on his face. "So, what did your friend do??" His reply? "He said, 'Go to your mommy!!" Hahah...oh Matti.

Anyway, Saturday we didn't have any plans. We wanted to go to the bank & pick up a few things, but it wasn't necessary. Jason's pretty awesome when it comes to Saturdays. He gets up with Matti & get him breakfast. They hang out and he'll check on me to see if Josiah is up & done eating. If he is, he'll usually take him so I can either sleep more or get a shower. I barely get a shower (&get ready) that lasts more than 10 minutes. So, I enjoy the days when I get them. The Saturday ended up cleaning out the walk-in closet in the guest room where we stay at. It filled 2 rooms and now you can actually walk into the closet. We moved a lot of our stuff downstairs since we really have no time frame as to when we're moving. Patience is virtue, right? We had a craving for cheese steaks but the place we get them at is a little bit of a drive (we're lazy) so we opted for Sheetz's version. Not very yummy. We had a smokehouse chicken though & that was good! Jason & I watched Copout and some of  The Mask. Then, good night, sleep tight!

Sunday, we went to mass as usual. Josiah poops at church almost every Sunday. It's his "thing." It can't be any other church, it only happens at our church. He slept most of the mass and stayed pretty quiet. Matti on the other hand, is starting to act up. He was really good before. After mass we headed home to watch the game. John Beck is finally the starter QB which was who I thought was the better choice after pre season. We lost but like I said, I love my burgundy&gold. We didn't do much. Josiah fought his sleep & eating the whole day. & I feel like my body is trying to fight off some sort of sickness.

Before I end this since Baby J just woke up. Our blue bird died a week ago so we had to get a new friend for our yellow one. So, Matti picked out a new blue bird. We finally named them. Pickles & Barry. Barry is the new one & he's a lot younger so he's not so much of a chicken like Pickles. We're hoping we can hand time Barry & be able to teach him to sing/talk.

I just want to organize my world.

So far so good on more updates :)

Yesterday, I was trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I knew I didn't want Italian dishes because we had so much of it in the span of four days! I was feeling a chicken or pork type of night. I couldn't find anything, but Jason was on the same mindset as I was. I found a Hoisin Chicken recipe I made a few months ago & asked if he wanted that. He replied back saying he wanted the chicken that broke his tooth. Now, there's a story to that & it wasn't my terrible cooking that chipped his tooth! It was one of the new dishes I tried out early on in our marriage. Well, when he was younger, he chipped his tooth & has a cap on it. Did not know that. The chicken was super tender and he was loving the dish. Somehow, his tooth came lose & that became the 'chicken that broke his tooth.' He doesn't call it by its name which is Honey Chicken. I went on a search for my recipe. I have them scattered everywhere. I checked my laptop, my parents' computer, emails, and finally notebooks. I finally found it in a notebook. I've always told myself I needed to organize my recipes better. I started notebooks, but quickly misplace them & start new notebooks. I think I have three right now. I decided to put some on the computer & now those are on my laptop & my parents' computer. I have a recipe box I received from the wedding with index cards, but I get lazy about having to re write the recipes on the cards. That's in the boxes somewhere in the basement (with all our other things). So, I decided I'm going to keep them online. I'm not sure if I'm going to just make a new blog to keep private & slowly share the recipes when we try them. I have a lot of  "want to try" recipes, but also have "tried & loved" recipes. I don't want to overload this blog with recipes, but I want to share the recipes at some point. So, we will see.

I can't really organize anything else. I've gone through clothes to get rid of the ones I never wear. I'm really bad about keeping things because it reminds me of when I wore them & things like that. Yet, I never wear them. So, I'm in the middle of that. Every time I start back up, one of the boys need me so I have to put it on hold. I'm on day four of that. I can't organize the rest of our things because they are all in boxes & it seems like we're never going to move. I'm trying to be patient but it is bothering me knowing there are so many things in those boxes that just need to be tossed or donated. I blame it on Pinterest because I have so many ideas on what I want to do to our home, but I have to wait. & I don't like waiting. So, I guess "organizing" my recipes is the substitute for that right now.

For those that don't know, we are moving sometime in the (hopefully) near future. We're out of the apartment and shacking it up at my parents' house. We're moving into the house I pretty much grew up in (here in the US) and I'm excited. I love that house although I haven't seen the inside in a while. I'm actually excited to clean up the yard once spring comes. We plan on staying in that house for as long as we can & maybe buy it if my parents decided to give it up at some point. Either way, we're staying there. We were supposed to be there by now, but the husband ended up breaking his back. He might even need surgery! So, we're not rushing them to leave because of that. There are other reasons so we are just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

So yea, I better get lunch started around here. The second half of the day starts. My favorite. Lunch, naptime & daddy comes home! Haha...oh by the way, we had Smothered Pork Chops last night per Chef Jason :)