Our Rainbow is Here!

I started to write this post in March and never published it. This is an excerpt of that post (which was supposed to be about cloth diapers).

Before I start, I do want to bring you up to speed since it has been a few months. Two posts ago, I wrote about the loss of our third child, Micah Elisha. The post after that was early September with my veiling post. I had weekly iron infusions until early November and my numbers rose due to them. I still take supplements to help keep my levels where they are supposed to be, but my numbers are good. Well, on September 20th, I saw my midwife for a follow up after the miscarriage. We did the yearly routine and she asked me if there was a chance I was pregnant. I told her maybe and was still waiting on beloved Aunt Flo to arrive. She came back from the hallway, peeked her head in, and with a huge smile on her face, she said, "It's positive!" I was shocked because I didn't think it would happen again so soon. Jason wasn't with me, but I couldn't help but tell him right away. He didn't believe me at first when I told him. We kept it quiet until close to the thirteenth week. I was very nervous but I knew that God had this baby in His hands. A few days before Christmas, we found out that our little rainbow baby is a BABY GIRL! We are so excited and a little nervous because it's a whole new world. We, along with the boys, cannot wait to meet her. I am 30 weeks now and she is due May 12th. It's crazy to think in a few short weeks, we will be a family of five and my little Josiah won't be my baby anymore.

It is now May 20th (also our 8 year wedding anniversary!) and our baby girl is sleeping on my chest right now. She is two weeks old and she is just wonderful! I wanted to take the time to write up her birth story because it was just amazing. For those that don't know, my previous labor & deliveries were under doctor care (who were fine) and were all nautral, unmedicated births. I loved both births and with each pregnancy, labor, and delivery, I was empowered and in awe of the human body.

I'm one of those women who love to read and hear about birth stories. I try to encourage friends and family members to try for the natural birth and to trust their bodies when it comes to labor and delivery. After Josiah was born, I read more birth stories and with each story there was something new. There were many things I wanted to do should we have another baby. So, when we found out I was pregnant again, I was so excited to have the chance to have the birth I wanted. My first step was to see a midwife rather than a doctor. I was so happy when I found out that my current doctor office now had a midwife. I planned in seeing her with Micah, but never got the chance to. Once I met her, I knew that I would stick with her :) so onto the birth....

As always, I will include details and if that's not your cup of tea, here's your warning. Birth is a beautiful thing and I want to share this experience for other moms.

May 6, 2014. 6 days from my due date.
I woke up at 6:30 am confused. It felt like my water had broken so I laid in bed waiting to see if it would keep leaking. I also felt slightly crampy which made me wake up even more. "No, not today, Chiara. Wait until tomorrow." Why? There was no midwife from the 5th-6th. I really wanted birth with a midwife. I woke Jason up and asked him to help me up because I felt weird. I went to the bathroom to see what was going on only to find a lot of my plug. I was slowly losing it but it was finally pinkish. I waited a little bit to see if I was leaking. Nope. I started timing the cramps and they were about six minutes apart. I wasn't too concerned because I can tell when the contractions are working and when they are just mild. These were just cramps. I told Jake to stay home because if I were to go in actual labor, I didn't want to have to wait for him to get home, drop Josiah off, and head to the hospital. With a history of pretty quick labors, I didn't want to risk having her at home (maybe one day). Midday, they spaced out and Jason went on a quick trash run. I spent a lot of the day timing and cuddling my baby boy, Josiah. We watched Shrek together and I kept thinking this might be the last day he's my youngest. Around 12pm, they got closer together again so I called the doctors office (assuming the midwives were out) to verify when we should head to the hospital. An hour later, to my surprise, I had a missed called from my midwife, Brooke, while I was taking a shower. I called her back and we agreed that 5 minutes apart in an hour is when I should go in. And better news, she was back! I felt much better and I told Chiara that today could be the day if she wanted. At 3pm, we went to the bus stop to pick up Matti and the app on my phone was yelling at me. "Contractions are 5 minutes apart for more than an hour! Go to the hospital!" We decided to give the boys a snack, finish packing up the hospital bag, load the car, and drop the boys off with his mom. At this point, the cramps were more intense but still not painful. It didn't make me feel the need to panic. By the time we dropped the boys off, it was 4:30, and the contractions were 4.5-5 minutes apart. Still bearable but  noticeable. The boys played in the sand box with their cousins and I was delaying leaving them. I hate leaving my boys, but just knowing that the next time I see them, they will both be big brothers made me want it take in that moment just s little longer. I gave Brooke a call to let her know how far apart my contractions were and we were on our way. She agreed especially with me being GBS+. My phone was still yelling at me but I all of a sudden got hungry. We made a Chick Fil A stop and continued to the hospital 20 minutes away. I text my parents and brother because they would be taking the boys if we ended up staying. We told them we'd keep them updated since I still didn't believe this was it. We got to the hospital and made our way to labor and delivery.

5:30 pm
They were expecting me and we were brought to our room. I hadn't been checked at this point so they checked me to see where we were. 2 cm, 50% effaced, station -2. Disappointment, but in my mind I kind of knew it was early on. Brooke said that if this were true labor, I should be progressing so we would check again in an hour or so to see if anything had happened. I did not want to go home. So, I walked and swayed. The pain was fine, I just wanted something to happen. Jason was reading one of our Scott Hahn books while I was walking around.

7:00 pm
I was checked. 3 cm, 70% effaced. Yes! Progress! Small progress, but it's progress. We then had to decide what we were going to do. Normally, you're not admitted until 4 cm (we had this issue with Matti, too). Brooke asked if I wanted to get my membranes swept. I hesitated for a little bit because I wanted little to no intervention. What I loved was that there was no pressure to do it and we could still say no. We eventually said yes since I was in early labor and I knew my body needed that jump start. I'm sure I could've done without, but I was getting impatient with how slow it seemed to be going. Not always a good reason, but we didn't see any harm in doing it. The pain was still fine but the contractions were getting more intense which is what I wanted. Brooke asked if I thought I would have her within four hours and knowing my previous labors, I told her yes. So, we were officially admitted and my first dose of antibiotics was given. One of my wishes this labor was to be able to move around without wires & tubes and to not stay in bed. They monitored Chiara's heart rate as the antibiotics were going in for 20 minutes. Brooke took out the birthing ball for me (another wish). After that was finished, I was unhooked and the contractions were more intense. I started needing to breathe through them. The nurse and Brooke took notice that my breathing was the only indication that I was having a contraction. I got on the birthing ball and immediately felt much better. I swayed and rolled for an hour until they came to check me again. We sent a few Snapchats to friends of me having a grand old time on the birthing ball. Soon enough, the contractions were a lot stronger. The pain was what I call good pain and I breathed through them. I was fine again after the contractions passed. The contractions were sharp shooting pains and I knew that we were making progress. I didn't have an IV so the time between contractions, I was guzzling down water. Which meant bathroom trips and laboring in the bathroom. I can see why some women find that the best place! The nurse and Brooke eventually came back to check her and had me go on the bed. They noticed Chiara's heart rate drop during a contraction so I got hooked up again. There were no scare tactics, Brooke assured us that it could be from the change of position (ball to bed). Laboring on the bed was uncomfortable. Why did I do that twice? My breathing was a lot deeper and the contractions were getting longer. Yes, progress! They monitored her and it ended up as a fluke and I was unhooked again.

9:15-9:30 pm.
5 cm 90% effaced station -1 bulging bag. Yay, active labor! After getting checked, I got up with all intentions to walk the halls. Instead, I was finding myself in the bathroom to pee and having a contraction on the toilet. I could tell they were intensifying and there was more pressure. As soon as I washed my hands to go out to the room, I would have another contraction. They were about two minutes apart. I handed my phone to Jason and have him hit the buttons for the app. I focused on swaying and keeping myself moving. I realized we hadn't text the people we promised texts to. My phone says at 9:34pm, I sent out mass texts. I sent out 3 mass texts between contractions which were coming quick.

Around 9:45 pm
The nurse came in to monitor Chiara's heart rate. I told her that with my contractions, I felt pressure in my bottom. Contractions were about 30 seconds to a minute apart. She asked if the pressure was constant and I told her not yet. She said when it was, to call them in. As soon as she left, I had a really strong contraction. "Babe, that one was more than a minute. You're close." He could tell by my breathing and I also make this deep noise which he knows from previous labors. Another strong contraction. Jason said, " Two more like that and I am gonna call them." Another strong one and it was bearing down. In my head, "maybe two more.." The next one hit and the pressure stayed. "Okay, call them now. We are really close." He called the nurse and Brooke and Jason told them how they were coming quick and that 'this is how she gets when it's time.' The nurse told Brooke that what I was doing was completely different from what she just walked out from. They asked me to get on the bed to check me. I was standing next to the bed. I waited for the contraction to end but the endless pressure was still there. Jason told them I might need help. The bed was a little high for me so somehow they got me on the bed. I crawled onto the bed and found myself feeling stuck on all fours. The bed was upright. I had my hands on the back part and my legs kneeling on the bottom. I told them I didn't think I could move.

9:54 pm
10 cm, 100% effaced! it's go time! I couldn't bring myself to move so Brooke said she could check me like how I was. She said I was fully ready and I don't remember if she asked me how I wanted to deliver. One of my other wishes was to deliver how I felt comfortable as long as it wasn't on my back. She brought out the mirror and the squat bar which I so badly wanted to use, but seeing as I was "stuck" I birthed on all fours. I was really curious about birthing on fours so I was fine and Brooke said that it was a good position to birth in.

I don't know when I started to "push." I remember there was a calm waiting for the next contraction. I knew in my mind I wanted to let my body to do what it needed. "Have the birth you want Fran." I told myself. I heard Brooke telling me to just do whatever my body wanted to do. I felt the contraction coming and I tried to relax as much as I could. The contraction hit and my body bore down and I moaned with it. I realized then that must be the roar that I've read so many women talk about. It was uncontrollable...it just happened. I realized that I pooped. After the contraction, I asked Jason if I did or not. "I don't know" he said with a laugh. "I know I did. Did I? I'm pretty sure I did. I can't believe I pooped." I was laughing at myself and Jason was laughing because of how concerned I was. Brooke asked if there was a problem. "Humility." Was Jason's answer. She offered to cover me up but that was the least of my worries at that point. Another contraction was coming, and my body bore down and I let out a groan again. There was a lot of pressure and I could hear Brooke reassuring me we were doing fine and then relief with a gush. My water just broke. Somehow, I was leaning into the bed so I was straight up and Brooke kept trying to tell me I needed to move back. "You're not gonna be able to get her out like that." I was in the middle of a contraction and I remember groaning out, "oooooooooookkkkkaayyyyy.....I'll tryyyyyyyy." Jason wasn't sure if I was able to do what Brooke wanted because of my bars but she assured us that I was just doing it. I think she helped me out by pulling me back some. I remember thinking how calm she sounded yet so commanding, but in a nice way. It's funny to remember the things I thought about in all the craziness. My body bore down again and I knew that her head was going to be delivered next so I pushed a little. "Babe, she's here! Her head is out!" Another contraction and Brooke asked me to ease up on the pushing which I didn't think I was doing much of. So, I started breathing out and her body followed. Relief.

10:03 pm
Chiara Alexis was born. 6 lbs 12 oz & 19 in. I turned around (sadly neither Jason or I caught her) and they put her on me. She had a short cord so she could only go as far as my belly, but there she was and she was perfect. She cried and she was beautiful. Our rainbow baby had arrived. One of our wishes was to delay the cord clamping. So, I held her as we waited for the cord to stop pulsing and she got all the blood that was meant for her. After a few minutes, the cord was done and Jason cut it. I moved Chiara up so she could nurse for the first time. Another wish come true. She fed for 45 minutes. I delivered the placenta and I told Jason to look. It was blue since Chiara took all the blood from it so that was neat and Brooke showed us what once held our baby girl. I had a small tear that didn't require stitches. Thank goodness because I hated that part! After she nursed, I let her get checked out and she was perfect. After two hours, we walked over to the postpartum room where we stayed for a day and a half.

I'm so happy with this birth. Like I said, all my births were empowering and I was in awe all 3 times. This time was just amazing because I felt so comfortable, and we were able to do what we wanted. I truly let my body take control and it was that much easier. It is the loudest I'd been at delivery, but also the easiest. Matti's I was just shocked, Josiah's I was calm and had my eyes closed, and Chiara's was just liberating and awesome. The human body is an amazing thing. Women are amazing. Birth is just beautiful.

Veiling

Please bare with me, I'm not the best writer and sometimes I can't express into words what I'm feeling. Here's me trying.

I've been wanting to write this for a long time but I am just now getting to it. I looked back on this blog to see when I mentioned veiling last and that was easy to do since I've neglected this poor thing.  So, a year ago tomorrow (August 30, when I started writing this), I mentioned that I was still praying about veiling, but felt that it would happen soon. I knew that my little heart needed more work.

In the beginning of October 2012, our community (Families in Christ Jesus) had our annual National Gathering in Virginia. Of course we had to go. It was then that I wore my veil for the first time.  I bought my veil a week or two before without knowing when I would wear it for thefirst time. Jason was more ready than I was! At the gathering, I was so nervous when we were walking into the church. I put it on, walked in, and tried not to look at anyone. The church was full of people that I knew from all over the United States. I should've been comfortable. We found seats and once Mass started, I looked around. To my surprise, I wasn't alone in veiling! I was so excited :) At our home church, there are a few people that do veil, but I don't see them on a regular basis. When I see other women veiling, I feel some sort of connection to them, and I just get so happy. After that, any anxiousness that I had were gone. The weekend was amazing and being able to veil in a place with hundreds of people who shared the same love for God made the weekend even more amazing. & that is the start of my veiling.

Making the Decision

My journey to veil wasn't a quick one. In my high school years, I noticed that there was a family in our church where the mother and daughters wore veils. I never thought much about it and never looked deeper as to why they did it. Many, many years later, in the spring of 2012, curiousity struck me. For some reason, veiling came into my mind and I decided to find out why some women wore veils.

The  first thing that I came across was 1 Corinthians 11:3-16.

But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and a husband the head of his wife, and God the head of Christ. Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered brings shame upon his head. But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled brings shame upon her head, for it is one and the same thing as if she had had her head shaved. For if a woman does not have her head veiled, she may as well have her hair cut off. But if it is shameful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should wear a veil. A man, on the other hand, should not cover his head, because he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; nor was man created for woman, but woman for man; for this reason a woman should have a sign of authority on her head, because of the angels. Woman is not independent of man or man of woman in the Lord. For just as woman came from man, so man is born of woman; but all things are from God. Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head unveiled? Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears his hair long it is a disgrace to him, whereas if a woman has long hair it is her glory, because long hair has been given (her) for a covering? But if anyone is inclined to be argumentative, we do not have such a custom, nor do the churches of God.

There it was. So, I kept looking and it led me to Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Now, I know that these two readings, especially the second one, are one of the most controversial readings in the Bible. It is often misunderstood. I've been to Masses where priests have admitted that it is one of the homilies they try to keep short because it comes off in a negative way to some people. I have heard this myself and I do my best to try to explain whenever I am asked about this.

It's no question, obviously, that I accept these readings. I very proudly submit to my husband, but more importantly to God. Now, when I say I submit to my husband, I usually get one of the following responses:

1. Are you serious?   (YES!)
2. Do you really believe that? (Absolutely.)
3. So, he makes all the decisions? (Absolutely not)

Or if Jason and I consult each other before coming to a decision, we usually get:
1. Just make the decision. You don't need to talk to him/her.
2. Man up, Jake! (Not in those words but you can try to guess what is really said)

To try to make it short. It was very easy for me to accept this because I have a truly amazing husband. He is a strong man of faith and is not afraid to tell the world. He is not afraid to live it. I already knew that the Church is the bride of Christ and that Christ is the head of the Church. That's easy enough to say yes to. I also believe that a marriage has God-given roles to each person to make it all work out beautifully. If you just follow Him, then it will be alright. As a couple, we knew that already. As long as he focuses on his roles and I focus on mine, everything is in harmony. I don't mean to be cheesy or anything, but it's so true! Put God first and it all just falls into place. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean he makes all the decisions in our life. No. Absolutely not. We always come together to discuss whatever it may be. No matter what it is. We each voice our feelings on it and if a conclusion can't be made MY role is to let him make the final decision. Ah, there it is. He does make the decisions. Nope. I can say that I trust and have full faith in my husband that he will make the choice that is the best for our family. I know that he will never make a decision based on just what he wants. I know that my husband will bring God into his decision and that He will lead him to the right one. Since I have full faith in that and know that God has a hand in it, I am okay with him making that decision. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean that he orders me around and I am a slave to him. No, that is not what God wants and my husband knows that. Just like I have to put God first, so does he. The reading from Ephesians is really beautiful if you read it. It tells the husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. To love his wife like he loves himself. To sanctify her. All these things that husband is asked to do for their wives. What are the wives told to do? Respect your husband. That's it.

I submit to my husband and he submits to God. So that means that I submit myself to God. My submission means fully letting go and letting Him take control of everything in my life. Submitting to His will. Whether it is for our marriage, family, children, jobs, myself, the kids, future kids...anything...I leave it to Him and that's one of the main reasons why I veil. We've gotten a few head scratches and "I don't get it" in some decisions, but in the end, it was what we were led to.

Okay, so I did my research and knew that this was something I would do at some point. Not now, but sometime soon. I decided to pray about it. I really felt it drawing me in, but for some reason, I didn't feel ready. I prayed for months. During that time, I read something that said to not veil until your heart is veiled. That really touched me. I knew my heart needed a lot of work! I battled myself and was very worried about what people would think of me. I kept thinking that no one regularly veils at our church and all eyes would be on me! I was very self-conscious. There was also something deeper that I didn't realize that was keeping me from feeling that I was ready. Once I figured out what it was, I felt absolutely ready. At that point, I was doing my best to let God do His thing with my life. I said that I submitted all things of my life to him...so I thought. Matti was four years old and Josiah was one. The thought of another child terrified me. I was taking control of that aspect of my life and not letting Him take control like I said I was doing. I preached it, but I was not walking the walk. When I finally realized this, I never looked back. I completely submitted every aspect of my life and truly let go. I was open to life like I should have been in the first place. October 2012, at our community's National Gathering, I veiled for the first time. It felt so right and all my self-consciousness? Gone. Was I worried about people looking at me? Nope. It felt amazing to just fully submit and that is another reason why I veil. My submission to God.

The last big reason I veil is simple. Jesus Christ himself. I veil when I'm in the church, go to Mass, and to adoration. As Catholics, we believe that Jesus comes into our presence and that He is there with us. When we take communion, we are following the tradition He left for us. We consume Him and He is within us. I veil myself to show my reverence and to give Him ALL the glory. I feel like I'm saying, "Lord, it's not about me, it's all about You. Everything I am and all I do, is for You. It's all for You." It's a reminder to myself to really focus on what we are celebrating. When I am behind the veil, all the distractions are blocked out and I am in my own world of calm. It's an indescribable feeling. To me, wearing a veil is like an imitation of Mary in her humility and her submissiveness. Mary very easily said yes when she was told that she was going to have a child. She was so obedient and trusted God that in Luke 1:38 it says:

And Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

Let it be done to me according to your word.

She is the perfect example of how we should be obedient to God's word and to just leave it all to Him.

It took me seven months to feel ready to veil. I don't feel that women should be forced to veil. I think if you feel drawn to it, pray about it. Leave everything to God and He will answer your prayers. My veil is a part of me and in the past year, I've grown so much spiritually and as a person. It becomes a great reminder of how much God truly cares for us. Leaving it all in His hands has made life that much easier.

Lastly, in 1917 Code of Canon Law stated that women should cover their head. In 1983, it was not mentioned so it was no longer an obligation for women to do. I'm guessing that's when a lot of
 people stopped wearing it. I know others continued to do so for their own reasons. I think that's what great about it now. I don't feel that it should be mandatory. In the past year, I've had people ask me the reason for the veil and I've seen more women veiling. It's a personal choice between the woman and God. That's it. I get really excited when I see others wearing a veil and I want to hear their veil stories. It's not that common at our church so I find it so beautiful when I see another woman veiling.

I know this was really long. I've wanted to write this for such a long time. I wanted to share my story since people have asked me about the "thing on my head." :)

I'll leave you with this link in case you want even more reading ;) and pictures of me from last Sunday. Until next time!

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/head_coverings_in_church.htm

Matti, Josiah, and me :)

Where did the summer go?

Seriously. Matti started Kindergarten yesterday! Last year, he was only in school for half the day in the afternoon. This year he will be there all day! It is a big adjustment for all of us. No more "sleeping in." It's only day two, but he is adjusting okay. He was so excited to go to school and when he got home, he was all smiles. It was too sweet. I think one of my posts will just be pictures one day. I'm way overdue :) His two friends from last year aren't in class with him this year, but Matti says he will meet new friends in his class. Lucky for him, his two friends live right behind us so we really need to get them together for play dates since they really didn't play at all this summer. More on that later. I can't believe I have a 5 year old. I can't believe I have a Kindergartener. I can't believe he will be learning to write and read this year. Add & subtract. My baby is all grown up! Fo real. We've been practicing reading & writing this summer, but I'm excited to see his progress at school since they have better skills as far as those subjects go. I'm so excited for him!

Josiah turned two in the beginning of the month. We had a combined Ninja Turtles party and they both had so much fun. We even made ooey gooey ooze! Josiah has grown so much in the past few months. He talks so much & the sentences he puts together surprise me most of the time. The kid is so smart and I swear he will be a musician or something. He's got such a good ear and can pretty much repeat whatever he's heard. Since Kuya is at school all day, we  get to have one on one time which is pretty special to him. & me because in about two years, he will be leaving me for school, too.

Like I said, this summer has just flown by. A lot of things happened that were not in our control and most of the summer was spent being sick or feeling sick. I feel so bad for Matti because I was in such a crappy mood that he didn't get to play with his friends that much. A few weeks after school ended, I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3 who is named Micah Elisha. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were waiting to tell our families until a little later on. The excitement was very much there and we almost told everyone on July 4th (we found out June 30). We were leaving for Myrtle Beach on July 6th. On the evening of the 4th, I started to have some bleeding. It made me a little uneasy, but I knew that in some pregnancies, there can be bleeding. I monitored it for the night & into the next morning. I gave my doctor a call and she asked me to come in that Friday. My blood was drawn & they told me to take it easy and to come back on Monday to get another blood draw. They were checking my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) to see if the numbers would increase over the weekend. We told them about our trip to Myrtle Beach and they said that it would be fine to travel. Again, some women bleed throughout pregnancies & I felt fine. I had two healthy pregnancies before so there was no cause for alarm. & on Friday, go figure, the bleeding had calmed down. They just advised me to go to the hospital on Monday to get my blood drawn so we can compare it to Friday's results. We told my family at dinner because we wanted them to keep us in their prayers & most especially our baby. So, off to Myrtle Beach we went. That whole Saturday, was a day in the car pretty much. I was uncomfortable but I wasn't in pain. I just felt very bloated/full in my belly & like I needed to use the bathroom. The bleeding  was more than Thursday's & Friday's but I wasn't in pain. It's very unnerving to see bleeding while you are pregnant. I think in my mind I knew what was happening, but I was trying to think positive. EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. THIS ONE JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIFFERENT. I know that whatever is going to happen is according to God's will. That was the reason I stayed calm. We got to MB that night and we ordered pizza for dinner since the group was too big to eat at a restaurant at that hour and we were tired! At dinner, we told everyone (there was about three families--very big families lol) since we would be with them that whole week & they are pretty much our family too. Everyone cheered and there were a few "I thought you were pregnant a few weeks ago." Then, we added the BUT. That we were having some issues and we needed their prayers for myself and for our baby. Still, the mood was very happy and just a lot of excitement. We went to bed and the next morning, I felt fine. There was no bloated feeling, there was no feeling of going to the bathroom. I felt completely fine. I remember feeling a sense of relief. That it would be okay. We went about our morning. Some people went for an early swim. I was still taking it easy so I stayed in the room with my brother. I was making my coffee when I felt something very obvious pass. OH NO. That was my first thought. I was talking to someone and they told me that if a miscarriage was to happen, you will know. I was worried about flushing my baby down the toilet without realizing it. So, OH NO. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, it happened. I told my brother to call Jason who was walking around with Josiah. He eventually came back to the room and I showed him our baby. I told him, "I'm pretty sure this is our baby." I had Micah in a Ziploc (I hated that we had to keep Micah in that) since that was all we had. You could see and feel the sac and if you looked, you could see a tiny little baby in there. Our sweet Baby Micah. We were at a loss of what to do next. Jason wanted to go to the ER right away, but I felt a very strong feeling of going to Mass first. It was a Sunday and like any other Sunday I  have a strong urge for Mass. & that Sunday, it was even stronger. After talking about it, we decided to go after Mass. Thanks, ba! The first reading really got to me. Isaiah 66:13 says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." I still hadn't cried at that point, but when I read that, I knew that's why I wanted to come to Mass. He was there for me when I needed Him. He comforted me without me asking. It affirmed my feeling that everything happens for a reason. & that although we hurt at the loss of our baby, it will be okay. God has a greater plan than all of us and I'm okay with that plan. I submitted my life to Him. I trust in Him. He knows what he is doing. That's something I've always said and it was very easy to say that before. When something like this happens, it's easy to get angry. It's easy to doubt. It's easy to ask God why it happened to you. SO. SO. EASY. For me, I put all my trust in Him. I'm sad that we lost our baby. I am, but I am so happy that Micah is in heaven. That Micah is in God's arms. That we have a sweet little angel watching over us and praying for us. That my boys will always have their baby with them. Our sweet baby never felt hate. Just pure love. The week we knew about Micah was filled with so much love and happiness. Our sweet baby never felt pain. Pure love. I think that's what helped me a lot. I'm so thankful that my faith is where it's at right now. I don't know where I would be or how I would react if I wasn't where I'm at. Yes, I'm sad my baby is gone. I'm sad my boys will never get to play with Micah. There are times when I think about how Micah should be kicking now. & I know I will think that as I go on in life. Micah lives in us and through us. Our boys know Micah Elisha. They know about their baby and they will continue to as long as we all live.
So, anyway. We went to the ER after Mass and after many hours, they confirmed that there was "no obvious signs of pregnancy." My levels were in the 600s when they should've been in the 1000s. All I wanted to do was get back to our room and hug my sweet boys. I spent that week mostly in the room since I had to really take it easy because of blood loss. I almost needed a blood transfusion. My levels were at a 7 when they should be closer to 13. I spent a lot of time in with the boys and Jason and that was the vacation we needed. Thank you, for Your hidden blessings. Everything that has happened since then has been such a whirlwind. I will do a separate post strictly for Micah and the funeral service that we had. God has been amazing this summer. I feel like I say this a lot, but I really do feel that I am where I'm supposed to be in life. I have more than I could ask for and He continues to bless us abundantly. So, for those that were there these past few months: THANK YOU. Even a simple, "I'm thinking of you" was more than enough. I just hope that we can repay you all and show you just how much we appreciate all that was done for us.

Just to try to finish this up. Since the miscarriage, I've had issues with my hemoglobin and iron being low. After three weeks of medication, my hemoglobin only went from a 7 to a 7.4 which is very discouraging. After a week, I ended up in the ER for fainting and although that was worrisome, it wasn't because of my iron levels. Praise God! It was a vasovagal response which is pretty common. The good news is that my hemoglobin made its way up to an 8.3! After we left the ER, we were back with Josiah because he got to close to a cat and it bit him. He is recovering just fine. Lesson learned, I hope. So, after a lot of tiredness, nausea, ER, and doctor visits, I think I'm finally getting better. I feel much better as well. I pray my levels continue to rise and stay where it's supposed to be. It stinks that I spent most of the summer sick. The doctors were surprised that I was still walking around with my levels so low. We think that I was anemic for a while and it became a normal for me. Now, that I feel somewhat better, I do think I was a little sluggish. I just thought I was a sleepy head ;) It just sucks that what I thought was normal for me wasn't. Now, I look back and think of all the times we could've made it to the park or library, but now I'm looking forward to those trips now. My boys mean the world to me and I just want to get healthy for them. They need a happy & healthy mommy :)

You always find your way back.

I haven't been able to be update in quite while due to many things, but I'll slowly try to come back. I've slacked on a lot of things which includes taking pictures. Which makes me sad. I feel that I've documented our lives pretty well until I had Josiah. Things just got to be too much and I had to refocus. Get my act together. It's not altogether just yet, but it's getting there. 

Just for a rundown on what I may or may not elaborate on at another time:

-Cloth Diaper switch around August last year 

-Matti finished his first year of school 

-Veiling & whether I've made the decision to wear it or not

-Extended rear facing & extended harnessing 

-Orange Rhino 

Who am I kidding? Those are things that I absolutely do want to talk about! I feel like I've changed in the past few months as far as my parenting and found a few things that I've become very passionate about.  I hope to share my thoughts about it in hopes of spreading the word. I've been a mom for just five years and I'm still learning. I don't know everything. I don't say I'm better than you because we don't have the same practices. It's just that I wish I knew the things I know now when I first became a mother. Sorry if I come off the wrong way, but that's not my intention at all. I give out the information in case it's something new to other parents.  I don't know it all, but I do know that I love being a mom. I've never felt so comfortable doing anything in my life. I can say and fully believe that one of the reasons I am here is because to be a mother. So, I hope that for those that still check on me once in a a while or get an email saying I wrote a new blog will keep reading. Until next time...take care! 

Wear your babies!

Baby wearing

I've always heard that every baby is different. My 2 boys are just that. 

MJ was a very independent (and still is) baby. He could entertain himself, he was fine in a swing, bouncer, crib, etc. He was an easy baby. He ate, played, and slept. Throw in diaper changes and baths and you're good! He set his routine early on and I was thankful. Let me just say, I didn't just leave him alone all the time. Not at all! I just found it very easy to do things around the house and even make 3.5 hour trips alone! (that's impossible with bbJ lol) There really wasn't a need for me to wear him. I had a Snugli (yea, I know...I'm embarrassed for myself) but I didnt know better. I tried with MJ and it wasn't 'right' for us. A big chunk of it was probably because that thing was so uncomfortable! For me and definitely for him! (those type of carriers are terrible for babies!) This time around, I've fallen in love with baby wearing. I love the fact that I can be there for my baby when he longs for touch and be able to do things like a normal person.

So, once bbJ arrived, I did what came naturally to care for him. Very early on, I knew he was a different baby 'compared' to his brother. ( I try not to compare them, but I just want the differences emphasized. ) this was all new to me. My baby needed to nurse, be held, be touched, be entertained,  be around people...constantly. On a rare occasion he would tolerate bouncers or the swing, but only for 5-10 mins. Which is nothing when you have a 3 year old to tend to. My husband would take him when he could but soon after, bbJ would need to eat. It's amazing how much he knew it was me. Or if I had walked into a room, he would know! Routines have never worked with him. What worked one day or even earlier in the day, never worked the next or hours later. I learned quick that there is nothing known with bbJ except that he needed to be touched. A month into this world, we bought a Moby wrap. I wanted one with MJ but I never really needed it. With bbJ, I needed it bad! The first time we used it, I felt so free! How good it felt to stretch my arms out! To sit down and have a meal using both hands! I was in love with it and so was bbJ. He loved being snuggled up to mommy all warm and taking in mommy's smell. I fell in love with baby wearing. I loved that he was finally content but most of all, that he was so close to me all the time. The smell of babies, staring at his sweet face while he slept, that first smile when he woke up...priceless. These moments are forever etched in my mind. Those times with him being so little were short lived. Babies are babies for such a short time so I was cherishing every moment of it. I was able to while taking care of my 3 year old. Very slowly, life was becoming more normal. 

Now, he's a walking, babbling, and non stop one year old. He still longs for touch but not to the extent of his baby days. He's a very happy baby and we still love baby wearing. I know it will help calm him down. I know if I need to do something, he's going for a ride. Usually, he falls asleep. I can't see myself not baby wearing any future babies. We now have a soft structured carrier and I carry him on my back. Hubby does too but it's a daily thing for bbJ and me :) you can often find us literally hanging out while dancing around the house cleaning! our carrier can also carry our 4 year old and we've tested it and it works just as good. Pain free ha ha. 

With bbJ being one and walking, it seems a lot of people feel that baby wearing isn't necessary. I've heard a few "put that baby down" but I know what he needs or wants. He gets plenty of 'down' time but he loves nothing more than going for a piggy back ride. I can't complain because I love our carrier, ha ha. We rarely use a stroller now too. So we will see how our baby wearing continues. We are completely in love! 

If you have a very touchy/feely baby, I highly recommend investing in a good carrier! I recommend Moby or similar wraps during the first year and soft structured carriers (SSC), like Boba or Ergo, once they grow out of the wraps. Carriers are definitely an investment! I absolutely do not recommend 'crotch dangler' carriers like the Snugli & Bjorn. They are the worst for your babies! 

Le updates

We have been so busy the past month! I'm going to break it down like usual to update on everything.

Jaces

I feel weird writing about us first since I always out the boys first, but it makes more sense this way. As usual, we try to spend us much time together as possible. It's awesome that we have what we have. It's hard to explain, but the flow in our household just seems to be so smooth. We do what we need to do and things just work out. We are still attending our households and we are just growing more as a couple and individually, too. It's an amazing thing to sit back and watch your spouse grow in their faith. I'm thankful I found such a good faithful man who truly strives to live his life like Jesus Christ.

Jason

He still works nights but we just found out that in a few weeks he will be switching to days. (so bummed, but I will explain later) we weighed out the pros and cons and although we prefer nights, partly because he's got an awesome friend in there haha, for our family at this time, we felt it would be a good idea to switch. We are excited since we will be able to have dinner together as a family and that we can finally have somewhat of a normal schedule. He is still in the Reserves. He's actually there now, and pretty soon will be going to school. Once that is done, we will face deployment. Absolutely not looking forward to that but we will be just fine.

Frances...that's me!

I'm still at home with the boys and loving it. I love being here while the boys are young. I still miss working and I struggle that battle more than I should, but I'm much better now. Patience, the time will come. That said, about a month ago I was offered a full time position at the bank. They absolutely wanted me and was working with me for my hours since Jason works nights. For three days, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. It seemed like what we needed, what I needed, etc at that time. As the days went on, it became more clear that it wasn't what we needed. I didn't really want to believe it, because I'm stubborn. A lot of people didn't really understand why I turned it down, but it was a decision we left up to God and in the end realized that it would've been bad for our family. I would work in the day just to get home so Jason can leave for work. And by the time he comes home, I'm heading to bed. That may work for some families but not ours. Yes, you do what you need to do, but this wasn't a need....not that much. What our need and what we want for our family is time together. We've done our time apart. A big thing that was important to us was that if I worked, the boys would rarely see mommy and daddy together. One would always be at work. That's not what we want--seeing parents together is a big thing for us. If Jason was going to days soon, at the time he was not, I probably would've taken it. So a month later, we find out he is going to days, and I'm just bummed about it. Not too much since I know it's not the time. I know that even more now. I'm still praying about veiling but I know it's something I will be doing. Maybe very soon. I feel the Lord needs to work a little more on this heart of mine. 

Matti

Well, the biggest news on this big boy is that he started school! Just last week! We found out two weeks ago. I was just coming to terms that he would be home with me for another year. So, when we got the letter, I cried. Tears mostly of joy and also tears of sadness. It went from a whole year with him to just barely two weeks! This mommy was not ready! I am extremely happy and excited for him though! it was just hard to believe that he really is a big boy now! I also was having a hard time knowing I had to trust others with my kid. 4 years together...just me and him. Anyway, he absolutely loves school! He comes home so excited and sings songs he learned. I love hearing about his day. The second day, he told his teacher he couldn't hear the song since she was singing. Oops. He came home with a note at the end of the week and the teacher relieved the fears I had with him struggling to listen or follow directions. He's just the opposite..yay! She had positive things to say about him.  We were told a few times that Matti speaks a lot for his age and very clearly, too. I thought he mumbled a lot haha. He's not shy at all from what we have seen. He loves his paraeducator, and I told him in time, he'd love his teacher too. I think he's warming up to her. I don't think that he liked that she was the boss. He rides the bus to and from school and he just loves it. It makes me nervous but seeing him so excited about it, helps take most of it away. I'm really scared he'd get lost or something. His transition to school has been smooth. This week is his first full week. 

Josiah

This guy turned one earlier this month. It's still hard to believe. I'm still amazed by the changes babies go through in the first year of life. He is starting to walk alone more. He has taken as much as ten steps on his own. Matti walked at 13 months so we are getting close to Kuya's mark. Oh! He climbs onto the couch and anything else he is able to. He signs for milk and all done. He says some things (night night, mama, dada, ooooya for kuya, dog, door, hao for hello).. He high fives, waves bye, pretends to be on the phone, plays peek a boo, and so much more. He tries to do whatever his brother is doing. I love watching them together. Pretty soon we will have our time together and that'll be nice for him. 

We are doing great just keeping busy with the boys, meetings, and family. We're hoping to get to see our friends more often once he goes to days since we will be normal, haha. That's the big rundown of it all. There are so many things I want to talk about more. I really hope to be able to find the time. Until next time! 

Where has my baby gone?

We have been so busy this month. The house is ridiculous! I plan on catching up this week. Matti had his pool party this past Saturday at our family friend's house. It turned out pretty good and the weather cooperated too. It's been insanely hot here but Saturday was tolerable.

Today, Matti had his check up. He is 29 lbs and 40 inches tall (I think). While we were waiting for the doctor, matti was drawing on the paper that they laid out, lol. He wrote his name and was doodling. She eventually came in while Matti was talking and Matti stopped lol. He showed her his work and she was impressed. She did the routine check up while asking him questions to get him talking. He was so shy! So, I just need to go to the doctors to get him to be quiet haha since he is non stop normally. She asked him to draw shapes, an "X" and to draw Mommy or Daddy. Now I wish I had taken a picture! He hopped on each leg, balanced on each leg and did all she asked. The nurse took him for his eye check and named the shapes and figures on the chart. I had to cover each eye and he missed a few of the smaller pictures but it didn't worry them yet. We're keeping an eye out for that though. Jason & I both wear glasses but I'm hoping he won't need them so soon. He's where he's supposed to be on the charts. Gained 4 lbs and grew half an inch. Although, she thought he would grow more...so he might be taking after me! We talked about school and had his first school check up. Waahhh! :( I asked about getting allergy testing done since he hasn't had one yet. I'd be sad if he grew out of the nut allergy and he's missing out on PB&J sandwiches! She told us to schedule an appointment with an allergist since his results 2 years ago showed increased levels to nut and milk. So that's our next step. other than that, everything was perfect! She was happy to see him doing so well and that he seemed "advanced for a 4 year old." makes me a proud momma! I really need to quit worrying and looking elsewhere since apparently, he's doing just fine. Four years old. I can't believe it. This year is a little harder than the past four. He's really a big boy now.