Veiling

Please bare with me, I'm not the best writer and sometimes I can't express into words what I'm feeling. Here's me trying.

I've been wanting to write this for a long time but I am just now getting to it. I looked back on this blog to see when I mentioned veiling last and that was easy to do since I've neglected this poor thing.  So, a year ago tomorrow (August 30, when I started writing this), I mentioned that I was still praying about veiling, but felt that it would happen soon. I knew that my little heart needed more work.

In the beginning of October 2012, our community (Families in Christ Jesus) had our annual National Gathering in Virginia. Of course we had to go. It was then that I wore my veil for the first time.  I bought my veil a week or two before without knowing when I would wear it for thefirst time. Jason was more ready than I was! At the gathering, I was so nervous when we were walking into the church. I put it on, walked in, and tried not to look at anyone. The church was full of people that I knew from all over the United States. I should've been comfortable. We found seats and once Mass started, I looked around. To my surprise, I wasn't alone in veiling! I was so excited :) At our home church, there are a few people that do veil, but I don't see them on a regular basis. When I see other women veiling, I feel some sort of connection to them, and I just get so happy. After that, any anxiousness that I had were gone. The weekend was amazing and being able to veil in a place with hundreds of people who shared the same love for God made the weekend even more amazing. & that is the start of my veiling.

Making the Decision

My journey to veil wasn't a quick one. In my high school years, I noticed that there was a family in our church where the mother and daughters wore veils. I never thought much about it and never looked deeper as to why they did it. Many, many years later, in the spring of 2012, curiousity struck me. For some reason, veiling came into my mind and I decided to find out why some women wore veils.

The  first thing that I came across was 1 Corinthians 11:3-16.

But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and a husband the head of his wife, and God the head of Christ. Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered brings shame upon his head. But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled brings shame upon her head, for it is one and the same thing as if she had had her head shaved. For if a woman does not have her head veiled, she may as well have her hair cut off. But if it is shameful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should wear a veil. A man, on the other hand, should not cover his head, because he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; nor was man created for woman, but woman for man; for this reason a woman should have a sign of authority on her head, because of the angels. Woman is not independent of man or man of woman in the Lord. For just as woman came from man, so man is born of woman; but all things are from God. Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head unveiled? Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears his hair long it is a disgrace to him, whereas if a woman has long hair it is her glory, because long hair has been given (her) for a covering? But if anyone is inclined to be argumentative, we do not have such a custom, nor do the churches of God.

There it was. So, I kept looking and it led me to Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Now, I know that these two readings, especially the second one, are one of the most controversial readings in the Bible. It is often misunderstood. I've been to Masses where priests have admitted that it is one of the homilies they try to keep short because it comes off in a negative way to some people. I have heard this myself and I do my best to try to explain whenever I am asked about this.

It's no question, obviously, that I accept these readings. I very proudly submit to my husband, but more importantly to God. Now, when I say I submit to my husband, I usually get one of the following responses:

1. Are you serious?   (YES!)
2. Do you really believe that? (Absolutely.)
3. So, he makes all the decisions? (Absolutely not)

Or if Jason and I consult each other before coming to a decision, we usually get:
1. Just make the decision. You don't need to talk to him/her.
2. Man up, Jake! (Not in those words but you can try to guess what is really said)

To try to make it short. It was very easy for me to accept this because I have a truly amazing husband. He is a strong man of faith and is not afraid to tell the world. He is not afraid to live it. I already knew that the Church is the bride of Christ and that Christ is the head of the Church. That's easy enough to say yes to. I also believe that a marriage has God-given roles to each person to make it all work out beautifully. If you just follow Him, then it will be alright. As a couple, we knew that already. As long as he focuses on his roles and I focus on mine, everything is in harmony. I don't mean to be cheesy or anything, but it's so true! Put God first and it all just falls into place. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean he makes all the decisions in our life. No. Absolutely not. We always come together to discuss whatever it may be. No matter what it is. We each voice our feelings on it and if a conclusion can't be made MY role is to let him make the final decision. Ah, there it is. He does make the decisions. Nope. I can say that I trust and have full faith in my husband that he will make the choice that is the best for our family. I know that he will never make a decision based on just what he wants. I know that my husband will bring God into his decision and that He will lead him to the right one. Since I have full faith in that and know that God has a hand in it, I am okay with him making that decision. Submitting to my husband doesn't mean that he orders me around and I am a slave to him. No, that is not what God wants and my husband knows that. Just like I have to put God first, so does he. The reading from Ephesians is really beautiful if you read it. It tells the husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. To love his wife like he loves himself. To sanctify her. All these things that husband is asked to do for their wives. What are the wives told to do? Respect your husband. That's it.

I submit to my husband and he submits to God. So that means that I submit myself to God. My submission means fully letting go and letting Him take control of everything in my life. Submitting to His will. Whether it is for our marriage, family, children, jobs, myself, the kids, future kids...anything...I leave it to Him and that's one of the main reasons why I veil. We've gotten a few head scratches and "I don't get it" in some decisions, but in the end, it was what we were led to.

Okay, so I did my research and knew that this was something I would do at some point. Not now, but sometime soon. I decided to pray about it. I really felt it drawing me in, but for some reason, I didn't feel ready. I prayed for months. During that time, I read something that said to not veil until your heart is veiled. That really touched me. I knew my heart needed a lot of work! I battled myself and was very worried about what people would think of me. I kept thinking that no one regularly veils at our church and all eyes would be on me! I was very self-conscious. There was also something deeper that I didn't realize that was keeping me from feeling that I was ready. Once I figured out what it was, I felt absolutely ready. At that point, I was doing my best to let God do His thing with my life. I said that I submitted all things of my life to him...so I thought. Matti was four years old and Josiah was one. The thought of another child terrified me. I was taking control of that aspect of my life and not letting Him take control like I said I was doing. I preached it, but I was not walking the walk. When I finally realized this, I never looked back. I completely submitted every aspect of my life and truly let go. I was open to life like I should have been in the first place. October 2012, at our community's National Gathering, I veiled for the first time. It felt so right and all my self-consciousness? Gone. Was I worried about people looking at me? Nope. It felt amazing to just fully submit and that is another reason why I veil. My submission to God.

The last big reason I veil is simple. Jesus Christ himself. I veil when I'm in the church, go to Mass, and to adoration. As Catholics, we believe that Jesus comes into our presence and that He is there with us. When we take communion, we are following the tradition He left for us. We consume Him and He is within us. I veil myself to show my reverence and to give Him ALL the glory. I feel like I'm saying, "Lord, it's not about me, it's all about You. Everything I am and all I do, is for You. It's all for You." It's a reminder to myself to really focus on what we are celebrating. When I am behind the veil, all the distractions are blocked out and I am in my own world of calm. It's an indescribable feeling. To me, wearing a veil is like an imitation of Mary in her humility and her submissiveness. Mary very easily said yes when she was told that she was going to have a child. She was so obedient and trusted God that in Luke 1:38 it says:

And Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

Let it be done to me according to your word.

She is the perfect example of how we should be obedient to God's word and to just leave it all to Him.

It took me seven months to feel ready to veil. I don't feel that women should be forced to veil. I think if you feel drawn to it, pray about it. Leave everything to God and He will answer your prayers. My veil is a part of me and in the past year, I've grown so much spiritually and as a person. It becomes a great reminder of how much God truly cares for us. Leaving it all in His hands has made life that much easier.

Lastly, in 1917 Code of Canon Law stated that women should cover their head. In 1983, it was not mentioned so it was no longer an obligation for women to do. I'm guessing that's when a lot of
 people stopped wearing it. I know others continued to do so for their own reasons. I think that's what great about it now. I don't feel that it should be mandatory. In the past year, I've had people ask me the reason for the veil and I've seen more women veiling. It's a personal choice between the woman and God. That's it. I get really excited when I see others wearing a veil and I want to hear their veil stories. It's not that common at our church so I find it so beautiful when I see another woman veiling.

I know this was really long. I've wanted to write this for such a long time. I wanted to share my story since people have asked me about the "thing on my head." :)

I'll leave you with this link in case you want even more reading ;) and pictures of me from last Sunday. Until next time!

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/head_coverings_in_church.htm

Matti, Josiah, and me :)

Where did the summer go?

Seriously. Matti started Kindergarten yesterday! Last year, he was only in school for half the day in the afternoon. This year he will be there all day! It is a big adjustment for all of us. No more "sleeping in." It's only day two, but he is adjusting okay. He was so excited to go to school and when he got home, he was all smiles. It was too sweet. I think one of my posts will just be pictures one day. I'm way overdue :) His two friends from last year aren't in class with him this year, but Matti says he will meet new friends in his class. Lucky for him, his two friends live right behind us so we really need to get them together for play dates since they really didn't play at all this summer. More on that later. I can't believe I have a 5 year old. I can't believe I have a Kindergartener. I can't believe he will be learning to write and read this year. Add & subtract. My baby is all grown up! Fo real. We've been practicing reading & writing this summer, but I'm excited to see his progress at school since they have better skills as far as those subjects go. I'm so excited for him!

Josiah turned two in the beginning of the month. We had a combined Ninja Turtles party and they both had so much fun. We even made ooey gooey ooze! Josiah has grown so much in the past few months. He talks so much & the sentences he puts together surprise me most of the time. The kid is so smart and I swear he will be a musician or something. He's got such a good ear and can pretty much repeat whatever he's heard. Since Kuya is at school all day, we  get to have one on one time which is pretty special to him. & me because in about two years, he will be leaving me for school, too.

Like I said, this summer has just flown by. A lot of things happened that were not in our control and most of the summer was spent being sick or feeling sick. I feel so bad for Matti because I was in such a crappy mood that he didn't get to play with his friends that much. A few weeks after school ended, I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3 who is named Micah Elisha. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were waiting to tell our families until a little later on. The excitement was very much there and we almost told everyone on July 4th (we found out June 30). We were leaving for Myrtle Beach on July 6th. On the evening of the 4th, I started to have some bleeding. It made me a little uneasy, but I knew that in some pregnancies, there can be bleeding. I monitored it for the night & into the next morning. I gave my doctor a call and she asked me to come in that Friday. My blood was drawn & they told me to take it easy and to come back on Monday to get another blood draw. They were checking my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) to see if the numbers would increase over the weekend. We told them about our trip to Myrtle Beach and they said that it would be fine to travel. Again, some women bleed throughout pregnancies & I felt fine. I had two healthy pregnancies before so there was no cause for alarm. & on Friday, go figure, the bleeding had calmed down. They just advised me to go to the hospital on Monday to get my blood drawn so we can compare it to Friday's results. We told my family at dinner because we wanted them to keep us in their prayers & most especially our baby. So, off to Myrtle Beach we went. That whole Saturday, was a day in the car pretty much. I was uncomfortable but I wasn't in pain. I just felt very bloated/full in my belly & like I needed to use the bathroom. The bleeding  was more than Thursday's & Friday's but I wasn't in pain. It's very unnerving to see bleeding while you are pregnant. I think in my mind I knew what was happening, but I was trying to think positive. EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. THIS ONE JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIFFERENT. I know that whatever is going to happen is according to God's will. That was the reason I stayed calm. We got to MB that night and we ordered pizza for dinner since the group was too big to eat at a restaurant at that hour and we were tired! At dinner, we told everyone (there was about three families--very big families lol) since we would be with them that whole week & they are pretty much our family too. Everyone cheered and there were a few "I thought you were pregnant a few weeks ago." Then, we added the BUT. That we were having some issues and we needed their prayers for myself and for our baby. Still, the mood was very happy and just a lot of excitement. We went to bed and the next morning, I felt fine. There was no bloated feeling, there was no feeling of going to the bathroom. I felt completely fine. I remember feeling a sense of relief. That it would be okay. We went about our morning. Some people went for an early swim. I was still taking it easy so I stayed in the room with my brother. I was making my coffee when I felt something very obvious pass. OH NO. That was my first thought. I was talking to someone and they told me that if a miscarriage was to happen, you will know. I was worried about flushing my baby down the toilet without realizing it. So, OH NO. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, it happened. I told my brother to call Jason who was walking around with Josiah. He eventually came back to the room and I showed him our baby. I told him, "I'm pretty sure this is our baby." I had Micah in a Ziploc (I hated that we had to keep Micah in that) since that was all we had. You could see and feel the sac and if you looked, you could see a tiny little baby in there. Our sweet Baby Micah. We were at a loss of what to do next. Jason wanted to go to the ER right away, but I felt a very strong feeling of going to Mass first. It was a Sunday and like any other Sunday I  have a strong urge for Mass. & that Sunday, it was even stronger. After talking about it, we decided to go after Mass. Thanks, ba! The first reading really got to me. Isaiah 66:13 says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." I still hadn't cried at that point, but when I read that, I knew that's why I wanted to come to Mass. He was there for me when I needed Him. He comforted me without me asking. It affirmed my feeling that everything happens for a reason. & that although we hurt at the loss of our baby, it will be okay. God has a greater plan than all of us and I'm okay with that plan. I submitted my life to Him. I trust in Him. He knows what he is doing. That's something I've always said and it was very easy to say that before. When something like this happens, it's easy to get angry. It's easy to doubt. It's easy to ask God why it happened to you. SO. SO. EASY. For me, I put all my trust in Him. I'm sad that we lost our baby. I am, but I am so happy that Micah is in heaven. That Micah is in God's arms. That we have a sweet little angel watching over us and praying for us. That my boys will always have their baby with them. Our sweet baby never felt hate. Just pure love. The week we knew about Micah was filled with so much love and happiness. Our sweet baby never felt pain. Pure love. I think that's what helped me a lot. I'm so thankful that my faith is where it's at right now. I don't know where I would be or how I would react if I wasn't where I'm at. Yes, I'm sad my baby is gone. I'm sad my boys will never get to play with Micah. There are times when I think about how Micah should be kicking now. & I know I will think that as I go on in life. Micah lives in us and through us. Our boys know Micah Elisha. They know about their baby and they will continue to as long as we all live.
So, anyway. We went to the ER after Mass and after many hours, they confirmed that there was "no obvious signs of pregnancy." My levels were in the 600s when they should've been in the 1000s. All I wanted to do was get back to our room and hug my sweet boys. I spent that week mostly in the room since I had to really take it easy because of blood loss. I almost needed a blood transfusion. My levels were at a 7 when they should be closer to 13. I spent a lot of time in with the boys and Jason and that was the vacation we needed. Thank you, for Your hidden blessings. Everything that has happened since then has been such a whirlwind. I will do a separate post strictly for Micah and the funeral service that we had. God has been amazing this summer. I feel like I say this a lot, but I really do feel that I am where I'm supposed to be in life. I have more than I could ask for and He continues to bless us abundantly. So, for those that were there these past few months: THANK YOU. Even a simple, "I'm thinking of you" was more than enough. I just hope that we can repay you all and show you just how much we appreciate all that was done for us.

Just to try to finish this up. Since the miscarriage, I've had issues with my hemoglobin and iron being low. After three weeks of medication, my hemoglobin only went from a 7 to a 7.4 which is very discouraging. After a week, I ended up in the ER for fainting and although that was worrisome, it wasn't because of my iron levels. Praise God! It was a vasovagal response which is pretty common. The good news is that my hemoglobin made its way up to an 8.3! After we left the ER, we were back with Josiah because he got to close to a cat and it bit him. He is recovering just fine. Lesson learned, I hope. So, after a lot of tiredness, nausea, ER, and doctor visits, I think I'm finally getting better. I feel much better as well. I pray my levels continue to rise and stay where it's supposed to be. It stinks that I spent most of the summer sick. The doctors were surprised that I was still walking around with my levels so low. We think that I was anemic for a while and it became a normal for me. Now, that I feel somewhat better, I do think I was a little sluggish. I just thought I was a sleepy head ;) It just sucks that what I thought was normal for me wasn't. Now, I look back and think of all the times we could've made it to the park or library, but now I'm looking forward to those trips now. My boys mean the world to me and I just want to get healthy for them. They need a happy & healthy mommy :)

You always find your way back.

I haven't been able to be update in quite while due to many things, but I'll slowly try to come back. I've slacked on a lot of things which includes taking pictures. Which makes me sad. I feel that I've documented our lives pretty well until I had Josiah. Things just got to be too much and I had to refocus. Get my act together. It's not altogether just yet, but it's getting there. 

Just for a rundown on what I may or may not elaborate on at another time:

-Cloth Diaper switch around August last year 

-Matti finished his first year of school 

-Veiling & whether I've made the decision to wear it or not

-Extended rear facing & extended harnessing 

-Orange Rhino 

Who am I kidding? Those are things that I absolutely do want to talk about! I feel like I've changed in the past few months as far as my parenting and found a few things that I've become very passionate about.  I hope to share my thoughts about it in hopes of spreading the word. I've been a mom for just five years and I'm still learning. I don't know everything. I don't say I'm better than you because we don't have the same practices. It's just that I wish I knew the things I know now when I first became a mother. Sorry if I come off the wrong way, but that's not my intention at all. I give out the information in case it's something new to other parents.  I don't know it all, but I do know that I love being a mom. I've never felt so comfortable doing anything in my life. I can say and fully believe that one of the reasons I am here is because to be a mother. So, I hope that for those that still check on me once in a a while or get an email saying I wrote a new blog will keep reading. Until next time...take care!