Anxiety and then peace

Lately, I just feel like there's so much I want to write about, but once I click "New Post," everything disappears. Not much has changed since my last post and I am still happy. Happy with what I have and although there are many things I wish I/we had, I'm still just happy.

Matti had an appointment yesterday. Since I found out that Jason had to work & I would have to go alone, I was in panic mode. I made it through, haha. Ever since I had Matti, I've become anxious about having to go out alone with him. I got over it when Jason was deployed. When Jason came back, I didn't have to worry about it anymore because he was always with us. Yesterday was the first day we went out alone. Somehow my mind blocked all the anxiety out & we made it through the appointment. It wasn't as bad as before...seriously considering canceling the appointment and putting it off...so it was okay. I think a lot of this is because 1. I don't want him to get hurt and 2. I don't want him to act out. Mostly the second one though. I hear stories from mothers who encounter people who are really against children being in public places. When they think that children cannot make a single noise while in public. Matti is not a "bad kid" but he is a kid & his mind is constantly ticking, but his body isn't able to keep up with it. When that happens, he will get upset. I just don't want people to look at me (their first thought probably is that I'm a teenager who had a child out of wedlock) & think that I can't control my child. He really is a good kid and it makes me sad when people think otherwise. Anyway, Matti's eczema 'passed' since it's under control. He gained a pound which is really good news because he's on the small side according to the charts. We'll be back in two months for his 24 month appointment. Hopefully, he'll have more weight gain by then.

Yesterday was a nice & slightly windy day. So, we took out our kite & attempted to fly it. We got it to fly a few times, and for me, it was relaxing. It made me realize how I'm truly okay & happy with our life. We may not have all these nice things, but we have what we need. We have each other. We live a simple life and we live it following Him. We don't need to live up to anyone's expectations, because in the end, it doesn't matter. The only one whose expectations we need to live up to and who it matters to is Him. And that's who we live for.


Lord,

Help me become a better person for my family, my friends, and to those that I don't know. When words affect me more than it should, help me remember that it doesn't matter. Help me remember to live my life according to Your will. Hold my tongue when it wants to lash out. Calm me when my temper is at its worst. Guide me so that I can be an example to those that see me. Use me, Lord, to lead others closer to you. Even if it's just one person. That's one more person. Thank you for everything that I have and all that you have blessed me with. I know that you have a plan for me and for us. Grant me patience for I know that it will come on Your time.... because a lot of times, I forget. For the times when I can't seem to wait, give me patience. For the times I worry and have anxiety, help me remember that it will be okay.

Babba

I'm doing a lot better than a few days ago. I've come to the realization (and really believe it) that I don't need to live up to the expectations of other people other than myself. As long as I'm happy with what I am doing...and to be honest, I am happy. My husband is home and we're not limited in the days that we see each other. We don't have to wonder, "How long until we have to be apart again?" It's no longer in the back of our minds. Now it's, "What can we do today to show our son this amazing world that we live in?" That makes me happy. I'm happy I have good friends. Life brings us all in different paths, but whenever we do see each other, everything is fine. I'm thankful for my friends and even more to those that chose to stick with me after all these years ;) I'm happy because Matti is growing up to be such a smart little man. As each day passes, I think to myself, "This is my favorite age." I've loved the past 22 months (plus the 9 months he was in my belly) he's been in our lives & I can't wait to see what's ahead. He's grown up so much. I've been told that he talks a lot for his age & I really don't know if that's true, but hearing that makes me happy. Everyday is something new to him and everyday I learn a little more about life because of him. He completes us & he has a total hold of my heart. I'm thankful to have this time with him to watch him grow & I find myself just sitting back to see what he's going to do next. That's when I think to myself, "I am happy."

.

So once again, I am waiting for the dryer.

http://hamptonroads.com/2010/04/downed-navy-pilot-honored-norfolk-sacrifice#rfq
http://www.wavy.com/dpp/military/Memorial-service-held-for-E-2C-aviator

The memorial was today. It's still hard to believe. I didn't even know him but Jason knowing him & having worked with him is enough. I still feel so much for this family & it makes me so sad. Today was when I found out (through these articles) that his children are two & four years old. Seeing the picture of his wife holding their daughter while the flag was being presented to her BROKE. MY. HEART. A friend of ours (Jason's former first class) went to the memorial and on his way back to Maryland Jason talked to him. The articles say it...he was a hero. He stayed with the plane to get the three other crew members out of the plane safely. Jake's friend also said that the ship did a memorial ceremony on the ship too. They did the memorial right over the plane which is underwater. I got goosebumps when I heard that & my mind is just constantly filled with questions. I keep thinking of the wife, the kids, and I just can't imagine all this. I keep praying for them because that's all I know to do. =/

Jason's birthday was yesterday. We didn't do much. We had a get together last weekend to celebrate it along with his brother's birthday. They've always celebrated their birthdays together (with the exception of the last year or two?) ...I think it's cute. Anyway, the three of us went out for ice cream and went to the store because Jason wanted to eat at home. So we got steaks & ingredients for homemade pizzas. It all turned out really good! He had some cake too, but we were so full we didn't even eat it & then ended the night with a movie. A simple man & I love it.

Matti had an appointment today..finally! Everything is fine with him. As always, his weight is low. He's a string bean. Tall like daddy & skinny like me. He got some medicine for his eczema since it got really bad on his legs & I hope it'll help clear it up. The weather is so nice & the poor guy is in jeans because of it. The doctor said he is doing great developmentally & physically (minus the weight issue). I have a list of Matti's words & when I told her he knows 50+ words, she seemed impressed :) Apparently, he's pretty talkative at his age?  He was terrified of everything they were doing which was a first for Matti. This is the age when he starts knowing what fear is & boy did he show it today. He was a trooper though as soon as it was all done.

P.S. I know I need to do a March update..maybe. lol.