just one word

 Why yes...another entry! So yesterday was Valentine's Day & for us it was just any old day. We usually don't do anything more than we would do because Valentine's Day should be everyday. For some reason I wanted more yesterday though. For the first half of the day I was kind of bumming around (I had a headache too) thinking to myself: I want flowers. I want chocolate. I want to go out to eat. blah blah blah. When I know for a fact that we can't & any other year we've never celebrated this 'holiday.' I finally got over this 'I want' thing when I looked at Matti & told Jason, "let's make today about Matti." When I was coming towards the end of my pregnancy, a lady approached me at Wal-Mart (cause apparently when you're pregnant, that's what happens) to talk to me. After talking for a little bit she congratulated me & as she walked away she said, "If you think you love your husband a lot and you can't possibly love anymore, wait until you have your little boy." I can't even describe what I feel for that little man. "True parenting is allowing your heart to go walking around outside your body." I want nothing but the best for him. I want him to feel loved always. Sometimes I feel that I'm not doing my best as a mother. People always tell me that I'm doing such a good job, but when it comes to the times when he refuses to listen to me, when I don't know what to do when he's having a tantrum, or I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm not. I hear it but I don't feel it. It sucks & it hurts. But then we have days like days from this weekend. He's never called me mommy & mama was never consistent. He'd call my mom mama & it hurt me. Out of the blue, he calls out 'mommy' & when I turn to look at him, he's looking right at me with a smile on his face. Mommy. Then this morning, he said, "Dad!" and Jake took him out of his crib. As always, Jake puts Matti on the bed & comes to me, but today, he says, "Mommy" and plants a kiss on me. All my doubts, all my worries, went away with just one word. Mommy.