Let's be adults here....

...and talk about breastfeeding. Yep. How does that make you feel?

Josiah is 8 (now 10..took me a while to post) months old and yes, we are still breastfeeding. Still. I've already had people come to me and ask when we're going to stop. Frankly, I'm not sure. Or say, "You're still doing that?" yes, I'm still doing THAT. Breastfeeding. It's okay, you can say it. It's the most natural thing a woman can do for her child. It's okay. Can you tell me why it's okay for a woman to wear daringly low cut shirts and it be okay, but when a woman goes to feed her baby in public, it's gross? I don't get it. I'm not going to flash my boob for the world to see. When I've had to nurse in public, I've made sure you, the public, can't see anything. thankfully, I've never had anyone say anything to me but I've heard stories of people telling the mom to go to the bathroom. To feed your child?! Why don't you eat there yourself? I've seen looks but never in a bad way. Again, thankfully. I don't know how nice I could be, haha.

I don't mean to be mean but I've finally come to terms with my breastfeeding experience. This has taken me such a long time to finally write about. I want to share my background a little...or a lot since I have a lot to say. My first boy was born in June of 2008. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I was far from educated. We breastfed for about a month and a half. All of a sudden my baby wanted to constantly eat and in my uneducated mind, thought he was not getting enough. You know those formula samples you get at the hospital? Well, I supplemented. All of a sudden my baby was doing 4 hour stretches between his hunger times. I thought that I didn't make enough. I know now that at 6 weeks, babies hit a growth spurt. Had I continued to feed him on demand like I should've been, my body would've made more milk to keep up with my baby's needs. The beauty of breastfeeding is it is supply and demand. With me supplementing, I hurt my supply and that's why for 2 weeks I tried desperately to get my baby to feed. Nope. The bottle flowed faster, formula made him fuller and he preferred that. I was sad that was all we could do but I didn't know better.

Sometime between then and when our second son was born in August 2011, I read a lot about breastfeeding. I learned what I failed at during the first attempt and I was determined to breastfeed our second son for as long as I could. I wanted to pass 2 months..if I could make it to 6 months, great! I didn't set a goal. I just said as long as I could. I was so determined and it was the main thing I wanted for my baby. Josiah was born 3 weeks early. We had nothing ready but again, I was just looking forward to start our breastfeeding relationship. Everything was going great until month two when the doctor didn't feel he was gaining enough weight. Josiah ate constantly and I was fine with that. I wanted the absolute best for my baby. I was more than exhausted but I wanted it to work. I was mentally ready for those growth spurts. During month 3, I worked so hard to get him to gain weight. I nursed hourly, pumped, took milk boosting meds, ate oatmeal, upped my water intake even more, I did all I could do. At 4 months, I was sure he had gained weight. To my surprise, he didn't. His curve on his chart made a horizontal line. I was devastated. I was hurt, angry, confused, but most of all just sad. I felt that I was starving my baby. I felt hurt because this is the most natural thing a mother could do, and I couldn't do it. For the second time. I felt I was broken and something was wrong with me. I felt so alone because I felt that no one supported me (except for my husband and a FEW friends). Whenever anyone saw me, their first questions were, "Are you giving him formula yet? You know you can give just a little. Why won't you give him formula? Is he getting real milk yet (what)? He'll sleep better if you give him formula. He's so small! (well he was 3 weeks early!) feed that baby! Isn't formula better? Did the doctor tell you to breastfeed first? When can you start formula?" I tried my best to educate those who truly didn't get it and TRIED to be nice when answering but it was getting to me. I felt that every time I was asked a question similar to that, I was being told I wasnt supported in my decision. I didn't understand how those older than me didn't know just how good breastfeeding is. And how they think that small boobs means less milk (it's totally false). Someone actually said this to me. It brought me down more and more and I wanted to prove all of them wrong. So, when I was told I wasn't making enough, I was so sad. Stress is a huge factor and can affect your supply drastically. I feel now that I was so focused on trying to prove them all wrong, and it was stressing me out. I did do it for my baby too, but with us much as much negativity as I was getting, I wanted to prove myself. I was mad at myself and I pretty much started shutting down. I started thinking back as to what I could've done different. I put a lot of blame on myself and I do believe I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Aside from picking on myself, all the people that ever said anything to me about formula came to my mind. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone in fear that I would say something I would regret. So I shut down. At 4 months, we supplemented. I hated the bottle, I hated making the bottle (I was literally angry when I made them), I hated seeing people feed him because half the time, they weren't paying attention and that made me mad. I loved nursing him because of the bond that we have. Looking at him and he's looking back and he flashes a smile as if he's saying thank you. I love you. Bottle feeding at that time felt like people were disconnected. I walked out of rooms when I saw him being fed and the person feeding him was looking around. I was so bitter and angry. Anger eventually turned to sadness. Sad that I had no one to talk to about this. Sad that I do have to supplement. This was taking a toll on our marriage. I felt so down that no matter how hard he tried to help, I couldn't get myself out of that funk. When I did express my feelings, I could never get him to truly understand. He still is my biggest supporter and knows just how important breastfeeding is to us. I continued to breastfeed. I figured getting a little was better than nothing. When he was 7 months old, I went on a Marriage in Christ retreat. I left my baby for the first time and I brought my pump. I didn't know what to expect but I knew we would benefit greatly from it. Saturday afternoon, I needed to pump so while we discussed things, I pumped. When I finished, I had 4 oz! That's the most I've ever seen me pump. Jake was amazed too and told me that it was good I got that much. Just hearing that I believe started my healing. Later that night, we had a session. On one side we wrote a list of people we've hurt. That was hard. On the other side (this exercise I've done at our old youth retreats), you write the names of people that hurt you. I sat there for a while and I started to tear up. I was seeing the faces of people who said those hurtful things to me. Yes, it wasn't their intention, but to me, it hurt. I listed their names and felt a sense of relief. At the end, we had to verbally say, I forgive you and I teared up. It was then I knew I was going to be okay. Since then, I got out of that funk. My attitude was different. Those people may never know but for me to say, "I forgive you." it was enough.

Here we are at 8 (now 10) months. We breastfeed and supplement. I take comments so much better now although I do stress that we breastfeed as well. In a month and a half our goals have changed. When someone asks when we're stopping, my answer is, " whenever Josiah is ready." I don't look forward to that day but I'm going to cherish these moments while we have them. I do realize he may not wean himself until he's much older and that's a whole new battle. I could be that mom whose son says, "I want boob." I wish that breastfeeding wasn't so taboo. In other parts of the world, children still breastfeed at 4 years old! Maybe more. Now, I can't imagine my oldest coming up to me and asking, but that's normal in other countries. Western culture has sexualized breasts so much that it's considered gross even when a baby is just one year old! Breastmilk has too many good things in it that it cannot be duplicated. Why take that away from your child if they aren't ready? Josiah and I have this insanely close bond. (my oldest and I have one too, I'm not saying we don't). It's beyond words could explain. Moms who breastfeed can attest to it. It's something else. Again, I'm not trying to say formula fed babies don't have one with their mothers. It's just different. I know one day, breastfeeding will be replaced with something else to soothe him, to comfort him, to bond with him, but until he shows me he wants to stop, we're not going to.

I do feel that every breastfeeding mom should have people that support them. It's not always easy so it's nice to have someone to go to during those times. If you try and it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up over it. At least you tried. The least you can do is try!

Laughter is the best medicine!

I looked back at my old blog and realized I'm nowhere near where I was with that blog. I wish I could keep up with this like I did with my old one. I love looking back because I remember things that I've forgotten. Like funny moments. So, I wanted to come on here and write about some funnies that happened recently.

Rattlesnake.

We were in the car with Jason's parents and sister. His sister started to ask a question. She was wondering if a rattler went to strike, and its rattle hit you, would it hurt. We all couldn't help but laugh.

The stench.

On that same ride home, Jason let out a toot, haha. He was being nice so he rolled his window down. It just so happened that the area we were in, reeked of cow manure. For about 5 miles! We were dying from the smell and couldn't stop laughing. Which caused us to smell it even more. The weird thing is, the area was not a farming area. Where we live now, we have farms, but it has never smelled that bad! Yuck.

The mall.

Jason was getting ready for his duty this week and he was confused about something. They told him that they were to report, board a bus and go to the Washington Mall for PT. He didn't understand why they were going to a mall for PT. He added, "I don't even know where that mall is!" I had to remind him that the Washington Mall is the big field of grass in DC. you know, where everyone picnics and flies kites, haha. Oh, how I love him.


Sorry the first one didn't make much sense. The context of the conversation would not have come off the same way. You just had to be there.

I'll return when I have more. Have a great Friday!