family first

I haven't really gone online to do much of anything in the past week or so. I had to deal with things and had to decide if I wanted to keep putting my life out there. Right now I stand at, "Take it or leave it. This is our life."

I've also been trying to figure out something to make my days easier since Josiah is a much much different baby than Matti was. Not to compare or anything. Matti was a very easy baby and Josiah is not easy, but challenging. I thought it'd be a breeze a second time around, but boy was I wrong. So with him being 3 months, I really wanted to figure out how to "function" as a mom to both boys and help more in the house. It's been so unbelievably hard. Josiah is just a challenging/high needs baby. Which is NOT a bad thing. I was really about to go insane before I read about it and now I'm doing better knowing I'm not doing anything wrong.

I wondered if he was acting this way because he is all breastfed and if something is wrong with me or what we're doing. I'll just rundown a list of the things.

1. He refuses to be put down. There are times when we can get away with it. Usually about 10 minutes or less. You can get more out of it if you are in his face talking to him. Not that I want to be away from my baby. I just need time to myself to take care of Matti who is potty training. & he has other needs. I need to do laundry. Our room hasn't been picked up because I'll get to it eventually. So what. I also have my needs too. We put him in a swing. On his play mat. A papa san. Car seat. Propped up to a seating position. He will not have it. & yes, you can tell me to let him cry a little. I'm not the type to come running at my baby at the first peep that he makes. I give him time to calm down, but THERE IS NO CALMING DOWN. It gets progressively louder and louder. So we hold him. I hold him. A lot. Am I spoiling him? No. There's no way to spoil a baby before a year old. He's only 3 months old. He was held constantly in my belly. Babies long for what was familiar. There's a reason he is crying and I give him his time and it doesn't work. When Josiah wants something, he wants it right there & then. He's not manipulative (he's ONLY 3 months old. He is still learning a lot. He's just started to laugh? Manipulative? No. I don't like when babies are called these things because they are so innocent! Another piece of advice. Get a carrier. Got one & I love it. Josiah loves it too.....on certain days. For the past few days, he's HATED it. Those days are tough. Today, he's sleeping very content in it. That's why I'm able to write all this out. I can hope & pray that this is a Moby day.

2. Very unpredictable. He's either super happy or he's just not having it. I call it "not in the mood." Most times he'll start out happy at some degree. It can go either way after about 5 minutes. It doesn't mean that I tiptoe with him. It just means that I can't run on a schedule no matter what. Which makes set times (church, dinner dates, etc) a little difficult. We're learning to manage. People have asked me how we're doing. & ironically, I've been saying, "we're adjusting/figuring it out." I thought it was just having two kids. In reality, I just have two different babies. Josiah does make the days interesting since we never know what's going to happen. Also, like I mentioned before, some days he loves one thing (Moby) and the next, he wants nothing to do with it. He used to love being swaddled, but that worked for 3 days.

3. He doesn't take a pacifier. Or know how to soothe himself. Matti loved the pacifier and he was able to soothe himself from the start. Josiah is completely opposite. The pacifier pisses him off to no end & self soothing? What's that? haha. We're trying white noise & it semi worked yesterday. Again, refer to #2 about that. You know how he does soothe? By nursing.

4. He craves to be touched. If he happens to get put down, you need to be in his face or touching some part of his body. As soon as he feels that, he stops. He doesn't like feeling alone. He doesn't like not seeing anyone around him. He needs a warm body next to him. Constantly. Here's where the wrap comes in handy. This is why he wants to be held all the time. This is a reason why we co-sleep. If we didn't, we all wouldn't be sleeping. I have a bassinet in the room and it's just there. We attempt to put him there once in a while hoping it's the day that he will stay in it. We haven't found that day yet. At least we're getting some sleep. It doesn't help that at naptime I have to lay down with the boys because I'd rather be doing chores that need to caught up on. Or even just shower. One day.

5. He nurses all the time. He nurses to eat. He nurses to soothe. He nurses for comfort. He nurses just to do it. Once he's done eating, he will play for a little bit. After about 45 minutes, he gets bored and nothing will stop him from fussing until he is nursing. I see him starting to fall asleep & in an attempt to get to sleep without nursing, I try to take him off. Sometimes it works, but most times it doesn't. We start the process over. Next thing you know, I'm sitting there with a baby knocked out but very attached to me. If I try to take him off, he will wake up immediately. If not, in five minutes. IF & a very BIG IF, I manage to get him in the swing, he will stay asleep for at the most 5 minutes. & back on the breast he goes. He doesn't take a pacifier & like I said, it makes him so upset. You can only distract him so much before the only way to stop him is to nurse him.

That's just some points. some things I combined together. Motherhood with Matti just came so naturally and I thought it would be the same. I thought I was doing something wrong but I'm glad to know that there are other moms who are going through the same thing. There's a reason why they say every baby is different. & I've seen it at the extremes. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know sooner or later, it will get better and we'll figure it out.

I promise to fight for you because you are my boys.
I will be brave for you even when I'm terrified.
I will love you always.
I will be mean at times but that's only because you need boundaries.
I really only do that because I love you.
I will do everything I can to protect you.
Sometimes I have to let you hurt but the pain will go away I promise.
I will cry with you.
Please don't break hearts.
I will always have time to hear you out. There is no 'just because' since that isn't fair.
We will always be fair but that doesn't mean you will get everything you ask for.
We will butt heads, I'm sure if it, and we will not go to bed without it being resolved.
After God, family comes first.
We will go to church together every Sunday & spend the day together. Trust me on this...it works.
Promise to try your absolute best in everything & that will be enough.
Don't give up so easily.
Never be afraid to cone to me.
I will sit with you when you do homework...if you ask me to. But I will always check it.
There will be a time when you will not like me, I just hope you will know that i still love you then.
I am your mother. You are my boys. My love for you is like nothing else.